bwbloom's Articles
2 total in April 2007
An Open Letter To The Dude That Used The Bathroom Before Me
Hey, How’s it going?
I hope defiling this bathroom made you feel better about yourself because it kind of ruined my day. I mean, I really needed to make boom boom, so not wiping off the seat was my bad, but because you left a deuce floating I figured there would be minimal piss on the seat. I was wrong. That’s cool, all me, my bad, but did you have to rip all the toilet seat covers in half and throw them on the floor so I didn’t even have the option of using them? Seriously, that was kind of mean.
OK, so I’ll take the blame for not giving myself a courtesy flush when I came in, but in my defense I didn’t smell anything… at first. As soon as I let a squeaker out, it stirred the air in the bowl and shot it between my legs into my face. So weak. I almost puked. I’m serious, were you really in such a rush you couldn’t flush? It’s cool though, my bad. But seriously what have you been eating? It smelled like moldy wasabi and meekrob.
The one thing that did kind of piss me off was that you took the time to unravel the toilet paper without tearing it, wiping with the back side, and then re-rolling it so I couldn’t see the dookie. It really ruined my day when I got your chocolate all over my fingers. I’m not sure if I should go get tested or what. I’m afraid to tell a doctor.
So anyway, I hope you’re feeling better, but on a more serious note, if you are reading this and have any fecal-borne diseases please hit me up, I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to do.
Doogie Howser, MD: The Lost Episode
Doogie: You have not felt a boob.
Vinnie: Yes I have so!
Doogie: There's no way. When?
Vinnie: A couple of weeks ago my babysitter was putting me to bed and she leaned over me and I totally felt her boob.
Doogie: That's awesome! (Doogie's pager goes off.) Oh no! There's an emergency at the hospital, I have to go.
(Doogie's mom picks him up in her aerostar mini-van and takes him to the hospital, after stopping at McDonald's for a kid's meal. As he walks in a nurse meets Doogie to brief him.)
Nurse: Dr. Howser, here is the boy's file. We can't seem to find out what is wrong with him and his condition is getting worse.
Doogie: Nurse you know I haven't learned to read yet. Take me to the patient so I can make my own assessment. (The nurse leads Doogie to a room where a boy is lying in bed.) Oh my god, Jeremy!
Jeremy: Doogie, help me. They say they don't know what's wrong with me Doogie. I just want to be better. (Jeremy bursts into tears.) Doogie, just make me all better.
Doogie: Jeremy, I'll do everything I can. Nurse, come with me.
(Doogie and the nurse leave.)
Nurse: Dr. Howser, how do you know this boy?
Doogie: He's the third baseman on my tee ball team.
Nurse: Oh no. I'm so sorry.
Doogie: That's not the worst part, this weekend we play the league champs, the Jaguars. There's no way we can win without Jeremy. (Doogie bites his knuckle.) Nurse taking care of this patient is now your only priority. I need you to go get him something for his pain.
Nurse: Should I start a morphine drip through the IV?
Doogie: No, that's not good enough. I want you to start a central line, and I want to get a gram of pure heroin in him stat.
Nurse: But doctor, I don't think that's legal, and don't you think that dose will kill him?
Doogie: I don't care if it's legal, he's my friend and I need to save him, and if you don't start that central line, I'll hold my breath until I turn gay!
Nurse: OK, I'm sorry I doubted you doctor.
(Doogie goes back into the room while the nurse goes to get the meds)
Doogie: Jeremy, I'm here. I need you to tell me your symptoms.
Jeremy: I noticed something was wrong last Sunday during our game, I couldn't catch any balls, and when I went to throw the ball, I couldn't aim. Then later in the week I realized that I had started to smell like bubble gum, and this morning my penis started to shrink, and hurt. Alot.
Doogie: You didn't eat any sushi last weekend did you?
Jeremy: No. Why? Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doogie: I might have an idea, but I need to run a blood test first. (Doogie takes a blood sample and leaves.) Nurse, take this to the lab and get the results stat.
Nurse: Would you like me to establish the central line first?
Doogie: No. I think he might have gotten cooties. If that's the case an opiate
will just exacerbate the problem.
Nurse: Cooties?
Doogie: Yes cooties. What don’t you understand, was I speaking Latin bitch?
Nurse: But doctor, cooties aren’t real.
Doogie: You whore! How dare you say something like that while my friend lays ill right next door? Once you get these tests in, I want you off this case! (Doogie slaps the nurse across the face, and she runs away crying. Doogie goes back in to Jeremy’s room.) Jeremy, I think I have an idea of what is happening to you. Have you had any contact with girls over the last weekend?
Jeremy: Yeah, last Saturday my sister had a slumber party.
Doogie: Jeremy, it looks to me like you have a pretty serious case of cooties, but the good news is it is very treatable. We’re lucky we caught it when we did otherwise you could have permanently become a total sissy, which might have eventually evolved into a serious case of farty pants. I’m going to start you on some antibiotics. A Levaquin drip should knock out your symptoms in les than an hour.
Jeremy: Thank you Doogie. I should have known, they were hanging around outside my door all night giggling.
(Nurse runs in and whispers in Doogie’s ear. Doogie follows her out into the hall.)
Nurse: Dr. Howser, the tests came back positive for cooties… Cooties II!
Doogie: What!? No! Run the tests again.
Nurse: Dr. Howser, we already ran the blood work, three times.
Doogie: Oh dear god, he’s so young. (Doogie puts on facemask.) Notify everyone that we are instating a quarantine on this floor. I will not allow this plague to spread. (Doogie goes in.)
Jeremy: Am I going to get the antibiot… Doogie, why are you wearing that thing on your face?
Doogie: Jeremy, you have cooties II.
Jeremy: So, I don’t care. Just give me the medicine and make it go away.
Doogie: Jeremy, cooties II, is not only more contagious than regular cooties, but it is resistant to all modern antibiotics. I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do for you. It looks like the farty pants should have its onset before nightfall. By noon tomorrow, you will have a fever causing you to become delirious. Then dementia, known as stupid head, will destroy your brain. I’m sorry but you’re going to die in less than two days.
Jeremy: (Crying) Please, Doogie don’t let me die like that. There has to be something you can do, I just don’t want to die like that.
Doogie: Well, Jeremy, there is only one thing I can do.
Jeremy: Doogie, I don’t care what it is, just do it!
Doogie: (Pulls out gun and shoots Jeremy in the head.) Oh god! It never gets any easier! (One tear rolls down cheek.) Nurse, call my mom. I might be able to make cake and ice cream at the roller rink.
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