CollegeHumor Updates by Patrick Cassels

Kevin Smith: An X-Rated Primer

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

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Long before The 40-Year-Old Virgin made films about horny underachievers an acceptable cinematic genre, Kevin Smith was the immature American movie-going male's primary source of highbrow dick jokes. Smith's latest film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, may seem like a grand experiment of Smith's in X-rated transgression, but an overview of the director's long and delightfully vulgar career shows us that Kevin Smith has been making audiences cringe for as long as he's been making them laugh.

Clerks

Smith's notoriously cheap black-and-white debut may be visually low-key, but the director's pornographic sensibilities were well under way from the moment he yelled his first "action." In the clip below, 14 years before Smith would devote an entire film to the adult entertainment industry, a sex-obsessed video store proprietor named Randall places the most vulgar order of VHS cassettes in home video history:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Oct 30 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Back-to-School: A Video Primer

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Aug 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 44 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Late Registration

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

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James Curtis, PhD.
Dept. of Humanities

Dear Prof. Curtis,

It has come to my attention that your English 212 course, "Mark Twain and the American Spirit," has been filled for the Fall 2008 semester. Unfortunately, I require your class in order to graduate before the Spring, and (through NO fault of my own) failed to register in time. Would it be possible to fit me in at this point? As a father of 3 soon-to-be high school graduates, I'm sure you can understand the seriousness of this situation.

I understand the necessity of strict deadlines in a busy college system. However, failure to graduate by May would force me to enroll in a summer course and move into an off-campus apartment, such as old Ms. Garrett's basement room on 330 Hibiscus Lane. While this room would of course be less than the mortgage you pay on your house on that very same street, you can respect the financial strain high rents would place on a part-time student -- even one without three lovely daughters to raise. And protect.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Aug 19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 76 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Lou Bega Doesn't Mind If You Illegally Download His Music

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Buenos dias, my legions of young fans. It is I, Lou Bega, the Latin sensation that set the music charts en fuego in 1999 with "Mambo No. 5." Back then, there wasn't a station in all of America that wouldn't spin my Calypso rhythms at least 3 times each hour, BURNING the lyrics into your brains like so much habenero sauce on your virgin tongues. Now, I have made my triumphant return to support my fans in their revolucion against the record companies over this, how you say, "file-sharing," and to say that I, Lou Bega, give America my blessing to download my music all it wants.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Jul 3 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 55 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

God, According to Indiana Jones

Thu, 22 May 2008 18:00:00 EST

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Raiders of the Lost Ark

GOD: Moses, you will take these 10 Holy Commandments down to the Israelites, so that my laws may be obeyed.

MOSES: Thank you, my Lord.

GOD: You will then seal my Commandments in a sacred ark, where they will be protected.

MOSES: But what if someone should try and open it?

GOD: Then I shall melt their faces.

MOSES: I'm... I'm sorry, my Lord. What was that?

GOD: Scary ghosts shall pop out, and I shall melt their faces. Just melt them right off, my son.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, May 21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 583 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Jack Handey

Wed, 14 May 2008 13:30:00 EST

As the name behind Saturday Night Live's short-but-hilarious "Deep Thoughts," writer Jack Handey has become synonymous with the art of the bizarre one liner. Since leaving SNL (where he also wrote several memorable sketches, including "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer") in 2002, Handey has contributed humorous essays to The New Yorker, and in April, published What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats, a collection of his writing. Below, he talks with CollegeHumor about comedy and car-driving felines.

What I'd Say To The Martians includes both essays and Saturday Night Live scripts. Are either of these formats more difficult than the other?
Both are hard. To me, the best humor pieces are written from the point of view of a specific character. So when you're thinking of ideas, you think about what your character would be interested in, what he could pontificate about. In TV, you're just trying to come up with a funny ideas. Also, in TV you're thinking visually. I do, anyway. I try to think of a funny image, and then what might explain that funny image.

For sheer writing, doing a humor piece is probably more difficult. But physically, TV really wears you out. Saturday Night Live, anyway. There the writers produce their own pieces, so you have to make sure the sets, props, sound effects, etc., are right. By the after-show party, you're ready for that beer.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, May 12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 43 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

10 Two-logies That Should Have Been Trilogies

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EST

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Meat Loaf once said that "two out of three ain't bad." But if Hollywood can have the audacity to give us three "Shrek"s, four "Lethal Weapon"s, and "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow," they can certainly complete the following uncompleted trilogies.

"Escape from New York" and "Escape From L.A."

There are over 15 thousand cities in the United States. Why has Kurt Russel's one-eyed convict "Snake" Plissken only escaped from two of them? Why not "Escape from Pittsburgh?" "Escape from Bismark, North Dakota?" Or "Escape from Newark" (which is already the primary goal of anyone who lives in New Jersey anyway)? Certainly Kurt Russel would be game to dawn the black eye patch once again: "Escape from L.A." is about the closest he's been to Hollywood in the last 12 years.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 121 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Forgotten Faces of the Indiana Jones Trilogy

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EST

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The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones adventures may be first and foremost on fans' minds lately, but that hardly means we should turn away from the unsung heroes, little-known villains, and forgotten faces from the original Jones trilogy.

7-Foot Bald Nazi (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

If you were a German soldier sweating your 7-foot ass off digging through Cairo for some magical chest, wouldn't you take the opportunity to vent some frustration by beating the crap out of a fedora-wearing American trespassing on your airstrip? It's hard to imagine what purpose this mustachioed strongman served before Jones' arrival, other than turning Egypt into a 1920's Coney Island freakshow.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 162 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Luke Skywalker's Lost Letters From Dagobah

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jeff Rosenberg

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 204 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

CollegeHumor on the iPhone (No Biggie)

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 11:30:00 EST

Good morning, everyone! Couldn't help but notice you eyeing up my sick new iPhone. Just picked it up at the SoHo App' last week. No biggie fries. Although it is pretty much the pino noir of mobile telecommunications. To be honest, I'm almost sick of talking about its endless features. Almost.

My timing couldn't have been better, it turns out: CollegeHumor just started a new mobile site specifically for the iPhone, allowing owners of the Apple device (including me, who owns an iPhone. Did I mention this?) to watch their favorite videos, view their favorite pictures, and read their favorite articles -- anytime, anywhere.

Whether I'm crusin' my custom Segway to spinning class, rocking some intense cardio at Crunch, or moving some euros around on the ol' eTrade account (fyi: Orange futures are THROUGH THE ROOF. Thank you, global warming! You just paid for my kids braces!), CollegeHumor is on my phone, ready to make me laugh. It's like having Larry the Cable Guy (BEST COMEDIAN EVER) in my pocket at all times.

So next time you're on one of your iPhones (I have nine), be sure and check out CollegeHumor's Mobile Page. I'll be logging on tonight, while I'm hanging out with a certain SUPERSTAR named Mr. Vin Diesel (we go to the same dentist).

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Bad Cinematic Bands

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EST

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Even the movies have their share of crappy rock groups.

The Pinheads, Back to the Future

Before he drove a plutonium-powered sports car into the 1950s (and eventually into therapy over his teenage mother's seduction of him), orange-vested time traveler Marty McFly was your typical 1980s California youth: playing sub-standard Huey Lewis covers as the lead guitarist of a rock band, The Pinheads. Rather than writing their own songs, the Pinheads choose to awkwardly inject existing hits with Van Halen-esque guitar solos while violently kicking over amplifiers. McFly introduces these sounds to 1955 with a Halen-like tribute to "Johnny B. Goode," making him essentially responsible for the eventual rise of glam metal.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Mar 3 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Memoirs of Buckethead

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:30:00 EST

Few musicians personify the insanity of rock n' roll better than Guns N' Roses' masked guitarist, known simply as "Buckethead." Yet the following excerpts from the reclusive musician's memoirs paint a portrait of an artist very different from the man known best for wearing a KFC container on his head.

Ah, dear Journal! It is to you I run once again as my musical purgatory continues. What torment I am in! Each night, forced to perform like some minstrel before a stadium of utter morons. I am Prometheus, and the audience the dreaded vulture waiting to tear out my liver as I arrive in Nassau, in Scranton, in Sacramento, to lend my talents to the pandering songs of some bandana-wearing American hayseed.

If only they knew, dear Journal! If only they knew what mad, glorious genius brewed beneath this upturned bucket of KFC. For what once contained a dozen pieces of Colonel Sander's extra crispy now contains glorious symphonies, Baroque concertos, Italian operas of such beauty that Zeus himself would shed a tear. And all of them, unheard! Unappreciated! Pushed aside so the brainless philistines of rural New Jersey can hear their precious "Sweet Child o' Mine."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Feb 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ben Karlin: Funny Valentine

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:30:00 EST

Lonely this Valentine's day? Ben Karlin feels your pain. As the editor of Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me, the former Emmy-winning executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and co-creator of its sister program The Colbert Report turns his focus from the political to the personal, collecting hilarious-yet-touching essays on ill-fated relationships from various well-known writers, comedians, musicians, and a former U.S. Senator. CollegeHumor recently spoke with Karlin about the book, Valentine's Day, and the comedic merits of getting kicked in the nuts.

What's your opinion of Valentine's Day? Sweet-natured holiday or Hallmark scheme?
All I know is St. Valentine died for our sins and we honor him by eating chocolate shaped like a bunny. If that doesn't make you weep, I don't know what will. I should mention I was home-schooled.

Do you consider yourself romantic?
I consider myself romantic in the worst possible way. Like, hopeless and pathetic and pie-in-the-sky, not "romantic carriage ride through Central Park while 'That's Amore' is playing somehow in the background." My romanticism is rooted in the impossible and unknowable and I am basically damned to life of eternal disappointment because of it. Piece of advice: Saying the above does NOT work as a pick-up line.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Feb 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I Fought the Law, and the Law Won Me Free Cable

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:30:00 EST

Have you been in trouble with the law?

If so, you deserve representation. My team of lawyers is here to give YOU the defense you deserve.

Okay, so I don't run a high-powered law firm with a staff of attorneys. In fact, my knowledge of the legal system is limited to rounds of Grand Theft Auto and CBS forensic dramas starring David Caruso.

However, I can reccomend sharring your story with your fellow CollegeHumor users for the Trouble With the Law Essay Contest.

Send us your story of legal misfortune by the end of the day on Feb 22nd. We'll see which one we like the best and announce the winner. The author of the winning essay will recieve one free year of cable television. Your story has to be under 250 words and it has to be true. You can send photos along if you want.

Enter Here by Februay 22. And good luck!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Feb 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Richie Rich Grows Up

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 19:00:00 EST

Hello Mom and Dad,

It's me, your "Poor Little Rich Boy." Well, I'm not so little any more. But I am still rich. I'm 30 years old sitting on a 10-figure trust fund just itching to be spent. And guess what: I do what I want, when I want. Just like I always said I would.

No parents. No rules. No consequences. $50 billion buys a lot of freedom, Dad. The kind of freedom I never knew in that Nazi regime you called a mansion. I've been living off a diet of cookie dough and Ring Pops for the last two months, and I've never felt more alive.

Sure, 80 percent of my teeth have rotted to the nerve, but who cares? It's not like I'm going to the dentist ever again. Or the doctor. In fact, I've bought the First Presbyterian Hospital and next week I'm blowing that needle-filled hell hole to the ground.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Jan 24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 165 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Party Invitation

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:30:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ladies, gentlemen, party animals young and old -- your day has arrived. Tonight, 10 pm at dormitory complex B-18, it's BOOZE-TOPIA 2008!!! What better way to kick off the spring semester than a lawless, hedonistic orgy of alcohol, music, and an "anything goes" atmosphere?

Quick FYI, this party is BYOB-"Bring Your Own Booze." (Duh!)

I've spent the last four years planning this liquor-filled, lascivious soiree, and tonight you boozers will see just what kind of drunken tomfoolery you're all capable of. Leave your inhibitions at home, amigos! (Do not, however, leave your alcohol at home, since, again, this is a BYOB affair. I cannot stress this fact enough.)

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jan 14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Play-By-Plays Announcements if the NFL Were Played Like Madden '06 for PlayStation 2

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:00:00 EST

"We're one minute into this game, and I can't be sure, but it seems the teams have broken into some sort of... some sort of slapping match. It sounds like there's contention over which side will get to play in their cooler-looking 'home' jerseys."

"Oooh, that's another flag against the Browns. That's gonna be a fifteen-yard penalty for Being a Total Homo."

"The quarterback has called a time out. There he is on the sidelines. It looks like he's... yes, he's eating a plate of microwave Bagel Bites. Wow, this announcer has seen some poorly used time outs in my announcing career, but this is simply a disaster."

"That's another interception against the Colts. Why this team's coach has let his girlfriend choose the last 5 plays is... is simply beyond me. This is indeed a sad day for sportsmanship."

"The referees have been granted the Bears another 'Do Over,' so we'll be starting this game over for the third time tonight."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Jan 10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 68 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Universal Love-Letter Template

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear YOUR NAME,

You don't know who I am, but we've been working at COMPANY together for the last NUMBER OF YEARS years. In that time, I've fallen deeply, madly in love with you. I first knew you were "the one" when I saw you wearing that COLOR OF CLOTHING ITEM OF CLOTHING. These feelings for you were only strengthened when you skillfully made NUMBER OF TOUCHDOWNS touchdowns at our company's COMPANY ANNIVERSARY NUMBERth annual flag football tournament, despite nursing a sprained BODY PART INJURED from the previous week's fight with EMPLOYEE from DEPARTMENT.

I remember vividly seeing you at our fourth-quarter company "Hawaiian Luau" party last MONTH OF LUAU PARTY. You were wearing an antique blue velvet dress and with COLOR trimming. In that light, you looked strikingly similar to CHARACTER from the Fox show 24?you know, the dark-haired actress from season SEASON NUMBER. It was then I realized, as the DJ spun Phil Collins's "PHIL COLLINS SONG," we were meant to be.

This isn't easy for me. Revealing my love for you may in fact be the most difficult thing I've done since smuggling ____________ out of South America to pay off my father's gambling debt. But I couldn't allow another moment to pass without letting you know how I feel. Tell me you share these emotions, and we can spend the rest of our days on my class-__________ yacht, deep-sea fishing for _______________ swordfish off in the _________________ ocean.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jan 8 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Badass Pregnant Women

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 12:00:00 EST

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Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), Terminator
Women with child often ask "what to expect when you're expecting." Sarah Connor, the expecting mother of a future robot-fighting revolutionary hero, can expect an indestructible time-traveling cyborg programmed to assassinate her. Also, morning sickness and mood swings.

Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand), Fargo
With an adorable Midwestern accent and a 9-month bun in the oven, Brainerd, Minnesota police chief Gunderson forced the world's Dirty Harry fans to re-evaluate their idea of what an ass-kicking detective could be. She's also the coolest thing to come out of Minnesota since Soul Asylum.

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), Alien 3
Despite her decidedly un-sexy Sinead O'Connor haircut, Ellen Ripley becomes the unfortunate single mother of a man-eating extraterrestrial. Even worse, the father pays child support in collected human spinal cords.

Bethany Sloan (Linda Fiorentino), Dogma
The Virgin Mary would be an excellent addition to this record, if not for the fact that every biblical epic to feature her is 7 hours long and features a random white character actor as Jesus. Bethany, the unlikely crusader at the center of Kevin Smith's religious comedy, becomes the next best thing when she becomes immaculately conceived, a miracle only slightly more credible than the performance of Ben Affleck as a tortured angel.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Dec 19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Might-See TV

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

What am I thankful for this holiday? One thing: Daytime television. With no classes to attend and a house full of overbearing parents asking how I plan to pay for my student loans, the innocuous, mind-numbing programming below makes the holiday visit home bearable.

Beverly Hills, 90210 Reruns
Once the standard by whichmillions of American teens organized their lives, Beverly Hills todayfinds itself in a sort of pop-cultural limbo: Too young to be"classic," yet to old for the thrice-daily showings enjoyed bySeinfeld. Alas, the once great drama of young, denim-clad Californianshas been sent adrift into the sea of upper-channel cable programming.If, by chance, you're one of the seven Dylan fanatics lucky enough toget SOAPNet, be sure and tune in for your favorite hunk rubbing elbowswith Ian Ziering and Shannen Doherty on channel 801.

The Price is Right
It's wrong to compare Bob Barker's departure from The Price is Right to Christ's departure from Earth. After all, Christ came back as mankind's savior, while Mr. Barker came back as a tubby comedian sporting a perpetual crew cut and the thick-rimmed eyeglasses of a pedophile. However, The Price is Right remains just about the most reliable thing on television since Walter Cronkite died in an orgy of cocaine and loose women (sources say).

Lifetime Original Movies
What beats throwing on your favorite oversized Tweety Bird sweatshirt, curling up in that big, cozy couch with a tub of Bonbons, and catching a 1pm showing of Lifetime's Living In Terror: The Traci Darrow Story? Oh yeah: Having a set of testicles. As a network catering to 39-year-old single women who hang "Cathy" comic strips on the walls of their cubicles, Lifetime fills its daytime slots with harrowing, inspirational tales of abused spouses, closeted homosexual husbands, and funny fat chicks.

The Shawshank Redemption
Never before has a film so good become so bad through simple overexposure. This well-known prison drama featuring Tim Robins is apparently one of three movies Ted Turner can legally show, as one can hear Morgan Freeman's melodious narration of Andy Dufresne's jail rape at literally any hour of the day-be it on TNT, TBS or SRN, the little-known "Shawshank Redemption Network" (formerly BET).

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Dec 18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Santas From Around the World

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 18:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Each Christmas, Santa Claus enchants children all across America. But stories of international Santas, like England's Father Christmas, can be heard around the globe, each with their own cultural spin.

S?>nter Klaus (Germany)

According to Germanian folklore, this 19th-century Bavarian Duke was exiled by Slavic revolutionaries for his strict rule, but returns to his homeland each year on the night of the first snowfall to cobble the shoes of loyal Germans, and devour the children of unwed mothers.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Dec 18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

TV Guide's" Editor Tends to Grow Restless and Stop Watching After About 10 Minutes

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 19:00:00 EST
<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Nov 30 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 219 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Gifted Opponents

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 13:30:00 EST
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Illustration by Jonita Griffith
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Nov 26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 44 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Typical Teenager

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:30:00 EST
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In an attempt to find out what today's youth is talking about, I spent a week at my old high school, posing undercover as a typical teenage student. Strangely, I found it more difficult to communicate with my "peers" than I had anticipated.

Monday
Yo guys, how whacked was Mr. Dabrowski's physics exam? Most un-excellent! Did you see the way he used the Neils Bohr atomic model on question 3? I was thinking, Um, Professor? 1920 called: They want their knowledge of quantum mechanics back! What an utter butthead! Probably a Yale man.

Tuesday
Ugh! Not meat loaf for lunch again! Excuse me while I upchuck into my knapsack. Hey, who wants to take bets how on much sodium benzoate is in that gravy? Why don't they just replace the mashed potatoes with a $10 thousand invoice for my quadruple bypass? And don't get me started on the carb' count in that peach cobbler.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Nov 14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Speech by Gabe Lunkin: The Guy Who Spoke Immediately After Abraham Lincoln Delivered "The Gettysburg Address"

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 13:30:00 EST
<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> As the former Assistant Vice Comptroller of the Treasury, I... well... I don't really understand why I was chosen to speak after President Lincoln. I mean... wow. That speech was... um... really good. Really good. I didn't even know I was giving a speech today. I just came here to loot gold teeth from the wounded and hit on grieving war widows. Still, if some hick in a stovepipe hat can move you all to tears, I'm sure I can drop a few pearls of wisdom.

(Pulls out a crumpled napkin with writing on it.) Okay. (Reads.) So this war is like, so messed up, you know what I'm saying? But we must... um... keep fighting. It won't be an easy victory, of course. I mean did you see that battle yesterday? Oh man! There was blood everywhere! The confederates were all like, "We love slaves!" And we were all like, "No way! We love slaves. But in a different sense than the way you love them!" And then they pulled out their rifles and were all like, "Pchooooooshhhhm!" And we were all like "Arggggggg...! Our legs! Dysentery!" I've never seen so many severed arms. It was so gnar'. (Points to grieving widow in the front row.) She knows what I'm talking about.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Saturday, Nov 3 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226/ts:33">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 47 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />