Patrick Cassels's Articles

5 total in March 2008

  • 10 Two-logies That Should Have Been Trilogies

    Meat Loaf once said that "two out of three ain't bad." But if Hollywood can have the audacity to give us three "Shrek"s, four "Lethal Weapon"s, and "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow," they can certainly complete the following uncompleted trilogies.

    "Escape from New York" and "Escape From L.A."

    There are over 15 thousand cities in the United States. Why has Kurt Russel's one-eyed convict "Snake" Plissken only escaped from two of them? Why not "Escape from Pittsburgh?" "Escape from Bismark, North Dakota?" Or "Escape from Newark" (which is already the primary goal of anyone who lives in New Jersey anyway)? Certainly Kurt Russel would be game to dawn the black eye patch once again: "Escape from L.A." is about the closest he's been to Hollywood in the last 12 years.

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  • Forgotten Faces of the Indiana Jones Trilogy

    The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones adventures may be first and foremost on fans' minds lately, but that hardly means we should turn away from the unsung heroes, little-known villains, and forgotten faces from the original Jones trilogy.

    7-Foot Bald Nazi (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

    If you were a German soldier sweating your 7-foot ass off digging through Cairo for some magical chest, wouldn't you take the opportunity to vent some frustration by beating the crap out of a fedora-wearing American trespassing on your airstrip? It's hard to imagine what purpose this mustachioed strongman served before Jones' arrival, other than turning Egypt into a 1920's Coney Island freakshow.

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  • Luke Skywalker's Lost Letters From Dagobah

    Co-written by Jeff Rosenberg
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  • CollegeHumor on the iPhone (No Biggie)

    Good morning, everyone! Couldn't help but notice you eyeing up my sick new iPhone. Just picked it up at the SoHo App' last week. No biggie fries. Although it is pretty much the pino noir of mobile telecommunications. To be honest, I'm almost sick of talking about its endless features. Almost.

    My timing couldn't have been better, it turns out: CollegeHumor just started a new mobile site specifically for the iPhone, allowing owners of the Apple device (including me, who owns an iPhone. Did I mention this?) to watch their favorite videos, view their favorite pictures, and read their favorite articles -- anytime, anywhere.

    Whether I'm crusin' my custom Segway to spinning class, rocking some intense cardio at Crunch, or moving some euros around on the ol' eTrade account (fyi: Orange futures are THROUGH THE ROOF. Thank you, global warming! You just paid for my kids braces!), CollegeHumor is on my phone, ready to make me laugh. It's like having Larry the Cable Guy (BEST COMEDIAN EVER) in my pocket at all times.

    So next time you're on one of your iPhones (I have nine), be sure and check out CollegeHumor's Mobile Page. I'll be logging on tonight, while I'm hanging out with a certain SUPERSTAR named Mr. Vin Diesel (we go to the same dentist).
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  • Bad Cinematic Bands

    Even the movies have their share of crappy rock groups.
    The Pinheads, Back to the Future

    Before he drove a plutonium-powered sports car into the 1950s (and eventually into therapy over his teenage mother's seduction of him), orange-vested time traveler Marty McFly was your typical 1980s California youth: playing sub-standard Huey Lewis covers as the lead guitarist of a rock band, The Pinheads. Rather than writing their own songs, the Pinheads choose to awkwardly inject existing hits with Van Halen-esque guitar solos while violently kicking over amplifiers. McFly introduces these sounds to 1955 with a Halen-like tribute to "Johnny B. Goode," making him essentially responsible for the eventual rise of glam metal.

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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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