Patrick Cassels's Articles

3 total in February 2008

  • The Memoirs of Buckethead

    Few musicians personify the insanity of rock n' roll better than Guns N' Roses' masked guitarist, known simply as "Buckethead." Yet the following excerpts from the reclusive musician's memoirs paint a portrait of an artist very different from the man known best for wearing a KFC container on his head.

    Ah, dear Journal! It is to you I run once again as my musical purgatory continues. What torment I am in! Each night, forced to perform like some minstrel before a stadium of utter morons. I am Prometheus, and the audience the dreaded vulture waiting to tear out my liver as I arrive in Nassau, in Scranton, in Sacramento, to lend my talents to the pandering songs of some bandana-wearing American hayseed.

    If only they knew, dear Journal! If only they knew what mad, glorious genius brewed beneath this upturned bucket of KFC. For what once contained a dozen pieces of Colonel Sander's extra crispy now contains glorious symphonies, Baroque concertos, Italian operas of such beauty that Zeus himself would shed a tear. And all of them, unheard! Unappreciated! Pushed aside so the brainless philistines of rural New Jersey can hear their precious "Sweet Child o' Mine."
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  • CollegeHumor Interview

    Ben Karlin: Funny Valentine

    by Patrick Cassels February 14, 2008




    Lonely this Valentine's day? Ben Karlin feels your pain. As the editor of Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me, the former Emmy-winning executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and co-creator of its sister program The Colbert Report turns his focus from the political to the personal, collecting hilarious-yet-touching essays on ill-fated relationships from various well-known writers, comedians, musicians, and a former U.S. Senator. CollegeHumor recently spoke with Karlin about the book, Valentine's Day, and the comedic merits of getting kicked in the nuts.

    What's your opinion of Valentine's Day? Sweet-natured holiday or Hallmark scheme?
    All I know is St. Valentine died for our sins and we honor him by eating chocolate shaped like a bunny. If that doesn't make you weep, I don't know what will. I should mention I was home-schooled.

    Do you consider yourself romantic?
    I consider myself romantic in the worst possible way. Like, hopeless and pathetic and pie-in-the-sky, not "romantic carriage ride through Central Park while 'That's Amore' is playing somehow in the background." My romanticism is rooted in the impossible and unknowable and I am basically damned to life of eternal disappointment because of it. Piece of advice: Saying the above does NOT work as a pick-up line.
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  • I Fought the Law, and the Law Won Me Free Cable


    Have you been in trouble with the law?

    If so, you deserve representation. My team of lawyers is here to give YOU the defense you deserve.

    Okay, so I don't run a high-powered law firm with a staff of attorneys. In fact, my knowledge of the legal system is limited to rounds of Grand Theft Auto and CBS forensic dramas starring David Caruso.

    However, I can reccomend sharring your story with your fellow CollegeHumor users for the Trouble With the Law Essay Contest.

    Send us your story of legal misfortune by the end of the day on Feb 22nd. We'll see which one we like the best and announce the winner. The author of the winning essay will recieve one free year of cable television. Your story has to be under 250 words and it has to be true. You can send photos along if you want.

    Enter Here by Februay 22. And good luck!


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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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