Patrick Cassels's Articles

4 total in January 2008

CollegeHumor Classic

Richie Rich Grows Up

by Patrick Cassels January 25, 2008

Hello Mom and Dad,

It's me, your "Poor Little Rich Boy." Well, I'm not so little any more. But I am still rich. I'm 30 years old sitting on a 10-figure trust fund just itching to be spent. And guess what: I do what I want, when I want. Just like I always said I would.

No parents. No rules. No consequences. $50 billion buys a lot of freedom, Dad. The kind of freedom I never knew in that Nazi regime you called a mansion. I've been living off a diet of cookie dough and Ring Pops for the last two months, and I've never felt more alive.

Sure, 80 percent of my teeth have rotted to the nerve, but who cares? It's not like I'm going to the dentist ever again. Or the doctor. In fact, I've bought the First Presbyterian Hospital and next week I'm blowing that needle-filled hell hole to the ground.

Keep Reading

See More: Richie Rich Monologues Collegehumor Classic

Like it? You Like it! (165) Comments (97)

Party Invitation

Ladies, gentlemen, party animals young and old -- your day has arrived. Tonight, 10 pm at dormitory complex B-18, it's BOOZE-TOPIA 2008!!! What better way to kick off the spring semester than a lawless, hedonistic orgy of alcohol, music, and an "anything goes" atmosphere?

Quick FYI, this party is BYOB-"Bring Your Own Booze." (Duh!)

I've spent the last four years planning this liquor-filled, lascivious soiree, and tonight you boozers will see just what kind of drunken tomfoolery you're all capable of. Leave your inhibitions at home, amigos! (Do not, however, leave your alcohol at home, since, again, this is a BYOB affair. I cannot stress this fact enough.)

Keep Reading

Like it? You Like it! (62) Comments (73)

Play-By-Plays Announcements if the NFL Were Played Like Madden '06 for PlayStation 2

"We're one minute into this game, and I can't be sure, but it seems the teams have broken into some sort of... some sort of slapping match. It sounds like there's contention over which side will get to play in their cooler-looking 'home' jerseys."

"Oooh, that's another flag against the Browns. That's gonna be a fifteen-yard penalty for Being a Total Homo."

"The quarterback has called a time out. There he is on the sidelines. It looks like he's... yes, he's eating a plate of microwave Bagel Bites. Wow, this announcer has seen some poorly used time outs in my announcing career, but this is simply a disaster."

"That's another interception against the Colts. Why this team's coach has let his girlfriend choose the last 5 plays is... is simply beyond me. This is indeed a sad day for sportsmanship."

"The referees have been granted the Bears another 'Do Over,' so we'll be starting this game over for the third time tonight."

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (68) Comments (55)

Universal Love-Letter Template

Dear YOUR NAME,

You don't know who I am, but we've been working at COMPANY together for the last NUMBER OF YEARS years. In that time, I've fallen deeply, madly in love with you. I first knew you were "the one" when I saw you wearing that COLOR OF CLOTHING ITEM OF CLOTHING. These feelings for you were only strengthened when you skillfully made NUMBER OF TOUCHDOWNS touchdowns at our company's COMPANY ANNIVERSARY NUMBERth annual flag football tournament, despite nursing a sprained BODY PART INJURED from the previous week's fight with EMPLOYEE from DEPARTMENT.

I remember vividly seeing you at our fourth-quarter company "Hawaiian Luau" party last MONTH OF LUAU PARTY. You were wearing an antique blue velvet dress and with COLOR trimming. In that light, you looked strikingly similar to CHARACTER from the Fox show 24?you know, the dark-haired actress from season SEASON NUMBER. It was then I realized, as the DJ spun Phil Collins's "PHIL COLLINS SONG," we were meant to be.

This isn't easy for me. Revealing my love for you may in fact be the most difficult thing I've done since smuggling ____________ out of South America to pay off my father's gambling debt. But I couldn't allow another moment to pass without letting you know how I feel. Tell me you share these emotions, and we can spend the rest of our days on my class-__________ yacht, deep-sea fishing for _______________ swordfish off in the _________________ ocean.

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (4) Comments (7)