Patrick Cassels's Articles

3 total in April 2007

  • A Most Jovial Transfer Student

    Pleasant day, fellow school-chums! Ah, coming from a rousing jaunt upon your "skated-boards," I see. Very good. I am young Lord Pansy of South Lancashire, a recent enrollee to your good university, here to begin my studies. Perhaps you've heard of my daddy, Sir Edmund Pansy, proprietor of England's largest haberdashery? Oh, how I do miss him so!

    Forgive my sobs, but it's been hardly a fortnight since I parted ways from Daddy. It pains me greatly to recall it now: how we kissed the tears from one another's pale cheeks as he entrusted me to the bosom of Residence Life. When I think how I'll never again feel his bristly moustache upon my ear as he whispers to me sweet dreams beneath the gossamer canopy of my bed, or of how your Pappa John's Pizzas will evermore replace Mummy's warm biscuits and molasses, I find myself quite overcome with melancholy.

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  • Movies for Majors

    When I first saw "Jurassic Park" in 1993, I left the theater convinced I would someday dig up dinosaur bones -- until I learned such a career would not include Laura Dern wearing khaki shorts and a tank top. However, Spielberg's film still taught me a valuable lesson: nothing romanticizes a profession like a good movie -- particularly the following 6 academically themed films...



    HISTORY
    Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

    Sure, Raiders of the Lost Ark had exploding Nazis, but only in Last Crusade does Dr. Jones trade in his bullwhip  for a pair of reading glasses as the archaeologist  studies the history of the Holy Grail in a film so historical the hero's life depends on knowing that "Jehova" begins with an "I" in Latin.

    MATH
    Good Will Hunting (1997)

    The film that introduced Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting also had some positive effects. It showed that schizophrenia or autism aren't prerequisites for mathematical genius, and that one can still go out and get "fuckin' hammered" in-between theorem solving. The picture also inspired a thousand drunken recitations of the phrase, "How do you like them apples?"
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  • This is Gonna Be the Best Spring Break EVER

    You guys ready? Everyone hit the bathroom, right? All right then, let's pile in. Daytona Beach, here we come! This is gonna be the best spring break ever. And don't worry about the trip. I know, Daytona's halfway across the country, but I'm sure between us four knuckleheads the trip will be as much of a blast as those beach babes—almost!

    Seriously, though, if you do get bored, there's some literature I brought along that I really think you should check out. Just a few pamphlets, some eye-opening books. They've really changed the way I look at things, man. I mean, did you know we can trace our Aryan roots all the way back to the noble Nordic warrior-gods of Northern Europe? Crazy, huh?

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    See More: SPRING BREAK! KKK Racism Road Trip
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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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