Good evening, parents. Please settle down. We've got a lot to cover tonight, so if everyone would please take your seats. Except for... um... Mr. and Mrs. Bloomsbury, Mr. and Mrs. Grant, and Mr. and Mrs. Ludwig: your children were actually shrunken during Tuesday's potions class and eaten by tarantulas. So you're excused.

Everyone else can stay. Oh, I'm sorry. Not you, Mrs. Whitson. I forgot, your son was also eaten by tarantulas on Wednesday ... Excuse me? ... No, he wasn't shrunken. I believe someone cast a growth spell on the tarantulas ... Of course we killed those tarantulas on Tuesday. These were different tarantulas.

So, I apologize for the confusion. But we are now totally ready to begin ... What was that, Peter? ... Yes, I assure you those are all the students who were eaten by tarantulas this month—except for Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher's two daughters. You two are also excused.

Congratulations on your purchase of the Nintendo Entertainment System. You're only seconds away from unlocking 8 bits of the most awesome electronic gaming the world has ever seen. Just follow the simple instructions below and prepare to be blown away: Now you're playing with power!

Step 1: Connect NES RCA adapter to television's RCA output feed and tune television to channel 3.

Step 2: Insert NES game cartridge into NES console, push cartridge down into locked position, and press POWER button on front of console.

Step 3: NES System will power on and off repeatedly in 4-second intervals. Remove game cartridge from console, place lips against bottom, and blow up and down cartridge connectors. Re-insert cartridge and press POWER.

Step 4: Television will intermittently flash blue and burgundy screens. Remove game cartridge from console and again blow on cartridge connectors even harder, as well as inside NES console. Re-insert and wiggle cartridge side-to-side for 15 seconds. Press POWER.

Step 5: Main menu of game will appear, with music, for roughly 4 seconds before re-starting. Remove cartridge and allow little brother to assist. Little brother will re-insert and rapidly push cartridge up and down in console and press POWER.

Step 6: Screen will instantly freeze on jumbled, pixelated image of game's main menu along with loud, monotonous tone.  Accuse little brother of "making it worse" and punch him in arm.

Step 7: Plead with mother and stepfather to order official NES Cleaning Kit ($49.95 + S&H). Kit will arrive from Kyoto, Japan in 6 to 8 months.

Step 8: Enlist assistance of cool uncle who claims to have beaten Metroid. Cool uncle will recommend only partially inserting game so that top of cartridge rubs against inner wall of console. Comply and press POWER.

Step 9: Grey and turquoise screens will flash. Remove cartridge from console and blow, harder still, on bottom connectors.

Step 10: Repeat as necessary.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.