Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), Terminator
Women with child often ask "what to expect when you're expecting." Sarah Connor, the expecting mother of a future robot-fighting revolutionary hero, can expect an indestructible time-traveling cyborg programmed to assassinate her. Also, morning sickness and mood swings.

Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand), Fargo
With an adorable Midwestern accent and a 9-month bun in the oven, Brainerd, Minnesota police chief Gunderson forced the world's Dirty Harry fans to re-evaluate their idea of what an ass-kicking detective could be. She's also the coolest thing to come out of Minnesota since Soul Asylum.

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), Alien 3
Despite her decidedly un-sexy Sinead O'Connor haircut, Ellen Ripley becomes the unfortunate single mother of a man-eating extraterrestrial. Even worse, the father pays child support in collected human spinal cords.

Bethany Sloan (Linda Fiorentino), Dogma
The Virgin Mary would be an excellent addition to this record, if not for the fact that every biblical epic to feature her is 7 hours long and features a random white character actor as Jesus. Bethany, the unlikely crusader at the center of Kevin Smith's religious comedy, becomes the next best thing when she becomes immaculately conceived, a miracle only slightly more credible than the performance of Ben Affleck as a tortured angel.

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Beverly Hills, 90210 Reruns
Once the standard by whichmillions of American teens organized their lives, Beverly Hills todayfinds itself in a sort of pop-cultural limbo: Too young to be"classic," yet to old for the thrice-daily showings enjoyed bySeinfeld. Alas, the once great drama of young, denim-clad Californianshas been sent adrift into the sea of upper-channel cable programming.If, by chance, you're one of the seven Dylan fanatics lucky enough toget SOAPNet, be sure and tune in for your favorite hunk rubbing elbowswith Ian Ziering and Shannen Doherty on channel 801.

The Price is Right
It's wrong to compare Bob Barker's departure from The Price is Right to Christ's departure from Earth. After all, Christ came back as mankind's savior, while Mr. Barker came back as a tubby comedian sporting a perpetual crew cut and the thick-rimmed eyeglasses of a pedophile. However, The Price is Right remains just about the most reliable thing on television since Walter Cronkite died in an orgy of cocaine and loose women (sources say).

Lifetime Original Movies
What beats throwing on your favorite oversized Tweety Bird sweatshirt, curling up in that big, cozy couch with a tub of Bonbons, and catching a 1pm showing of Lifetime's Living In Terror: The Traci Darrow Story? Oh yeah: Having a set of testicles. As a network catering to 39-year-old single women who hang "Cathy" comic strips on the walls of their cubicles, Lifetime fills its daytime slots with harrowing, inspirational tales of abused spouses, closeted homosexual husbands, and funny fat chicks.

The Shawshank Redemption
Never before has a film so good become so bad through simple overexposure. This well-known prison drama featuring Tim Robins is apparently one of three movies Ted Turner can legally show, as one can hear Morgan Freeman's melodious narration of Andy Dufresne's jail rape at literally any hour of the day-be it on TNT, TBS or SRN, the little-known "Shawshank Redemption Network" (formerly BET).

According to Germanian folklore, this 19th-century Bavarian Duke was exiled by Slavic revolutionaries for his strict rule, but returns to his homeland each year on the night of the first snowfall to cobble the shoes of loyal Germans, and devour the children of unwed mothers.