Patrick Cassels's Articles

3 total in November 2007

  • Gifted Opponents

    Illustration by Jonita Griffith
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  • Typical Teenager

    In an attempt to find out what today's youth is talking about, I spent a week at my old high school, posing undercover as a typical teenage student. Strangely, I found it more difficult to communicate with my "peers" than I had anticipated.

    Monday
    Yo guys, how whacked was Mr. Dabrowski's physics exam? Most un-excellent! Did you see the way he used the Neils Bohr atomic model on question 3? I was thinking, Um, Professor? 1920 called: They want their knowledge of quantum mechanics back! What an utter butthead! Probably a Yale man.

    Tuesday
    Ugh! Not meat loaf for lunch again! Excuse me while I upchuck into my knapsack. Hey, who wants to take bets how on much sodium benzoate is in that gravy? Why don't they just replace the mashed potatoes with a $10 thousand invoice for my quadruple bypass? And don't get me started on the carb' count in that peach cobbler.
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  • A Speech by Gabe Lunkin: The Guy Who Spoke Immediately After Abraham Lincoln Delivered "The Gettysburg Address"

    As the former Assistant Vice Comptroller of the Treasury, I... well... I don't really understand why I was chosen to speak after President Lincoln. I mean... wow. That speech was... um... really good. Really good. I didn't even know I was giving a speech today. I just came here to loot gold teeth from the wounded and hit on grieving war widows. Still, if some hick in a stovepipe hat can move you all to tears, I'm sure I can drop a few pearls of wisdom.

    (Pulls out a crumpled napkin with writing on it.) Okay. (Reads.) So this war is like, so messed up, you know what I'm saying? But we must... um... keep fighting. It won't be an easy victory, of course. I mean did you see that battle yesterday? Oh man! There was blood everywhere! The confederates were all like, "We love slaves!" And we were all like, "No way! We love slaves. But in a different sense than the way you love them!" And then they pulled out their rifles and were all like, "Pchooooooshhhhm!" And we were all like "Arggggggg...! Our legs! Dysentery!" I've never seen so many severed arms. It was so gnar'. (Points to grieving widow in the front row.) She knows what I'm talking about.
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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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