Patrick Cassels's Articles

7 total in October 2007

  • Online History Class Quiz

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  • Truly Terrifying Halloween Costumes

    You don't need an expensive costume to strike fear into the hearts of your friends this Halloween. A few carefully chosen items of clothing are all it takes to create these disturbing characters:

    YOUR VAGUELY RACIST UNCLE

    "I got this real nice colored boy hauling that stump off my lawn. Good kid. Solid upbringing."
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  • The World's Dirtiest Film

    Orson Wells... is dead. But if he were alive, he'd surely take part in THE WORLD'S DIRTIEST FILM video contest, which is still accepting entries. Axe is looking for videos of the slimiest, grungiest, filthiest film of you or an unlucky friend getting generally dirty in the most bizarre way.

    Visit CollegeHumor's "World's Dirtiest Film" page to view our current submissions. Entering is easy, and there are a ludicrously high number of chances to win...

    * A trip to LA for you and a friend
    * Some spending cash while you're there
    * A chance to appear on Jimmy Kimmel
    * A new iMac
    * A new Sony HD Handycam

    Check out CollegeHumor.com/WorldsDirtiestFilm for complete details.
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  • Our Favorite "Simpsons" Moments

    Choosing the funniest moment from a show like The Simpsons is a lot like masturbation: Fun, but only for the person actually doing it. After all, one fan's Happy Days hall-of-famer is another fan's "Fonzie Jumps the Shark." Still, there are a handful of unarguably phenomenal scenes, jokes, lines and quotes throughout The Simpsons' 17 seasons that warrant some degree of canonization. And while narrowing even this limited "best of" group to a single favorite "moment" remains virtually impossible, choosing favorites never hurt anyone. Hear that, Dad? CHOOSING FAVORITES NEVER HURT ANYONE.

    Favorite Simpsons Moment: "The Monorail Song"

    "The Monorail Song" was an impromptu musical performance from the season-4 episode "Marge vs. the Monorail," and arguably represents the The Simpsons
    current high-point. In the song, Springfield's citizens, led by a silver-tongued monorail salesman named Lyle Lanley (voiced by Phil Hartman), are worked into a frenzied show tune that convinces them into buying a poorly-constructed transportation system. "There's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafied, electrified six-car monorail!" sings Lanley, evoking Meredith Wilson's "Trouble" from 1957's The Music Man (on which "The Monorail Song" is lovingly based).

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  • Top of the Morning!

    Another glorious Fall morning. Bringing a new day leading into a new night filled with post-season MLB excitement. Of course, for those of us more interested in the work of actor Patrick Dempsey than weather-or-not Kenny Lofton will bat first for the Indians at Fenway tonight will probably want to check out this week's edition of "The Morning After: Grey's Anatomy."

    Of course, Seattle Grace Hospital isn't the only source of melodrama and memorable soft rock around. Visit the "Highlights" page at Project Johnny to watch John croon an impromptu rendition of "More Than a Feeling."
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  • Top of the Morning!


    All college students feel some sense of exhaustion as October arrives and the semester drags on. But this is especially true for Johnny Lechner. Today Johnny begins his 4,755th day of college. That's right, 13 years of lectures, late nights and lasciviousness -- and CollegeHumor is there to capture every moment:
    Visit PROJECT JOHNNY to catch 24-hour LIVE streaming video of Johnny's final days as America's favorite bi-millennial undergrad.

    And as Johnny bangs cheerleaders, the super-powered cast of Heroes are saving them:
    Be sure and read this week's edition of THE MORNING AFTER: HEROES and read about Ali Larter's hot clone-on-clone action.
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  • Middle-Class American Psycho

    I'm having dinner with this as*hole from customer service named Brian Nadler at the hot new Arby's off of Rural Route 12. Brian is having the Ranch and Bacon Sandwich Combo with potato wedges and a 20 ounce Dr Pepper ($6.99), while I've chosen the Southwest Chicken Wrap and a Pecan Sticky Bun ($4.99).

    I remove my shower-proof Casio wristwatch from J.C. Penny's ($14.99) and roll the sleeves of my grey Members Only jacket up to my elbows so as to keep the chipotle sauce from dripping on its cotton-polyester blend. I bite into the tortilla and taste a mixture of fried chicken and industrial mayonnaise while Toby Keith's "I Wanna Talk About Me"—by far his best work to date—pumps from ceiling-mounted speakers.
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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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