Patrick Cassels's Articles

8 total in August 2007

  • Dance Tutorial, Vol. 2

    Dancing is the ultimate form of expression. Unfortunately for many white guys, this expression is "I have no rhythm." That's why I've developed three simple dance moves that will convince the ladies they've stumbled into a taping of Soul Train.

    Earlier this week I put these moves into practice around the office to see just how impressive they are. Take a look!


    DANCE MOVE 2 of 3:
    The "Christina Aguilera"



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  • CollegeHumor Interviews: Will Forte

    As a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2002, Will Forte's offbeat style of comedy is best represented by any one of the non-sequiturs muttered by Tim Calhoun, the nervous, sweaty political candidate played by Forte on the show: "I miss dinosaurs," says Calhoun in his creepily soft southern drawl. "Let's do somthin' about that." CollegeHumor spoke with Forte about these clueless characters of his, as well as his new film The Brothers Solomon, his earliest days in comedy, and the meaning of the term "punish f*ck."

    You originally wrote The Brothers Solomon as a TV pilot, right? Was it difficult changing it to a feature film?
    It was very time-consuming, but I would have a hard time calling it difficult because I had so much fun doing it. Because I had already written the pilot, I knew the characters really well and so it was a lot of fun figuring out how to turn it into a movie. I was also going through a break-up at the time, so it was a great distraction from that. Ah hell, who am I kidding, it was really hard.
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  • Frankenstein's Monster


    MAYOR    : Fellow villagers! This Monster before us has terrorized our town for too long. Let us destroy the beast before it attacks again!

    DR. FRANKENSTEIN    : Wait! Lower your pitchforks! My creation is no MONSTER. Look beyond his green skin and you will see an innocent creature with the mind of a child!

    MAYOR: Dr. Frankenstein's words have moved me. Let us go and leave this gentle giant in peace.

    BLACKSMITH: But he throttled my only son to death.

    DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Did he? Or do you simply blame him because he is different from you and I?

    BLACKSMITH: No, I saw it. It was the Monster. He twisted his back in like, three different directions and then threw him into a bonfire. It was pretty horrible.

    DR. FRANKENSTEIN: But don't you see? It was only frightened of the fire. Frightened, I say!

    BLACKSMITH: -- It took him 4 hours to die.

    MAYOR: That's... upsetting. But Dr. Frankenstein has a point. We shall let the creature live, and be sure not to use fire around him.
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  • The Way I Typically Imagine How Encounters with the Cute Waitress at My Local TGI Friday's Will Go


    Appetizer
    • Order blooming onion with French dip.
    • Make hilarious comment to cute waitress about your anticipated bad breath.
    • Smirk sheepishly as cute waitress giggles at the self-deprecating humor of her new customer.

    Drinks
    • Order 5 Bud Lights for yourself and friends.
    • Follow up with fantastic, "Now that we've got me out of the way, what will the rest of you be drinking?!" line.
    • Wait for universal laughter from friends; flirtatious, This guy likes to party glance from cute waitress.

    Dinner
    • Order Pizza Burger (Deluxe).
    • Wait for cute waitress to finish taking orders; shout "Spank you very much!" in Ace Ventura voice.
    • Graciously accept compliments on your uncanny Jim Carrey impersonation from friends; slip Sam Adams coaster with cute waitress's phone number into pocket. (ALLLL RIGHTY THEN!)

    Dessert
    • Order Reese's "Peanut Butter Cup Explosion Sunday" cake
    • When it arrives, smear dessert across face while shouting "Me like cakey! Me like cakey!"
    • Bask in uproarious, side-splitting laughter from friends while cute waitress discreetly rubs your erection through blue jeans.
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  • My Ill-Conceived Jr. High Love Letter

    I was going through some of my notes from junior high the other night and came across a love letter I wrote to Jessica King, this really pretty girl who sat two rows in front of me in my 8th-grade U.S. History class.

    In retrospect, my romantic sentiments could have been better expressed.

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  • Mild Party T-Shirts

    Not a party animal? Doesn't mean you can't show your love of social drinking. Throw on one of these PG-rated tees and get ready to go (responsibly) crazy, my brother!

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  • Situations That Indicate Certian Retired Athletes May Be Taking Steroids


    Terry Bradshaw
    Visibly sweaty and ferociously short-tempered Bradshaw attacks FOX NFL Sunday co-host Howie Long with blunt end of Heisman Trophy after Long makes routine on-camera zinger about Bradshaw's baldness.

    John Elway
    Former Broncos QB Elway mistakes 1989 Isuzu Aska for long-distance "Vortex" football during filming of Nerf advertisement. Obliviously throws mid-sized sedan 110 yards into stands of Denver stadium and screams triumphantly.
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  • How Notable Concerts Would Be Different If Bands Behaved More Like Their Names


    Kiss
    Hardcore male fans nationwide are forced to question decades of masculinity as their idolized musicians drop instruments mid-show and proceed to make out with one another in passionate, homoerotic on-stage orgy. Band's face paint finally makes sense.

    Nirvana
    After members convert to Buddhism and achieve true happiness, grunge band's songs lose angst-filled, "voice of a generation" significance. Kurt Cobain trades in guitar for sitar, fills show with 20-minute Ravi Shankar covers. Teenage suicide rates skyrocket.
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    • Patrick Cassels Purchase College

    About Me

    I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points in a single quarter against the Hawks... Wait, that was Larry Bird.

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