Hey kids, wake up. We need to have a talk. Huh? I don’t know, about 2 AM, I think. Listen, I have to tell you all something. It's about your mother and I. But before I do, I want you to know that no matter what happens, we’re going to love all of you a little more or less, depending on how we’re feeling day-to-day. Our emotions toward you have been kind of hazy these last few weeks. But right now you all seem like pretty solid peeps in my book.

So you’ve probably noticed your mother and I fighting a lot lately. All the time, actually. Yes, Emily, even when we’re not yelling, we’re still fighting. In fact, the non-yelling fights are worst. So cold. So hopeless. Oh so hopeless. More hateful than anything you’ll ever know, though they did usually take place in front of you, in your bedrooms. Or your classrooms—I don't know why we did that.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: Hey, I heard there's going to be a crazy party at Kendall’s Friday night. Wanna go?

TEENAGE JEW: I can't. I have to wake up early Saturday morning and go to temple. I know, lame, right? But I heard there's an even crazier party Saturday night.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: I can't make it. I have to wake up early Sunday morning and go to church.

TEENAGE JEW: That's too bad.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: I know. What a bummer.

TEENAGE JEW: Well, at least we'll be able to hang out my Bar Mitzvah celebration next week. I should be a lot of fun.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: Not as much fun as my Confirmation party. There’s a DJ coming from the bad part of the city, and he’s bringing all the best rap music.

TEENAGE JEW: I’m getting a magician.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: My mom's boyfriend will bring his dirt bike.

TEENAGE JEW: Forget it. I have to be home before Sundown, when the Sabbath starts. Can you give me a ride?

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: Actually, I was planning to stop at the mall and buy a new Nativity scene for Christmas.

TEENAGE JEW: What?! But it's the middle of August. Christmas isn't for months.

TEENAGE CHRISTIAN: I also need another crucifix—to better worship my Lord. My glorious Lord.

Thanks for coming in today. Why don't you have a seat? You've been a strong patient, so I'm not going to sugar coat this for you. I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Okay, here goes. Your test results came back this morning, and it appears that a sprightly young pixie found its way from the Realm of Peppermint Dreams and decided to take a nap on your liver. Isn't that great? All that discomfort you've been feeling in your lower abdomen is just your new enchanted friend snoozing all the live-long day. What fun! Right?

Oh gosh! You know what? I just remembered something. When I was in doctor school, my super-smart teacher Mr. Genius told me liver pixies can sometimes get oh so hungry that they get all gwumpy and spread to the kidneys and prostate! What ever will we do? I know! I'll write you a prescription for some magical pixie gumdrops. When you swallow them, he'll be able to fill his tiny belly as much as his pixie heart desires. Just be sure not to take the pixie gumdrops within two hours of eating, and contact me immediately if you experience any nausea or vomiting in the coming weeks.

George Washington

ME: President Washington, you fought for American independence from the British. Do you believe the United States' involvement in the Middle East is protecting the legacy of freedom you built, or simply imposing its will on other nations?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: The Tree of Liberty is fragile, my lad. And difficult decisions are often required to defend it. Let us say, for example, my slave tells me a bandit has absconded with my stallion. Why, do I not then have the right to find the thief and--

ME: Wait. What? Your what?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: My stallion. It means horse.

ME: No. Your slave? Your slave tells you the horse was stolen?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: One of them, yes. And it's stallion. Not horse.

ME: Right. Thanks.

PERCY: Well now, hold on, good sir. I do believe that if you take another look at Mama’s will, you’ll see she bequeathed all seven acres of this estate to yours truly, including Father’s fine velvet chair.

BLANCHE: Percy! Mama would never leave our beloved home to a thieving little scoundrel like you. What manner of legal hornswagglin’ have you pulled?

ME: Huh? Velvet?... Whatever. It’s cool, Blanche. Percy can have the futon if he—

PERCY: Why, Blanche! I have never been so insulted. Are you insinuatin’ that I… I manipulated the will in some way?

BLANCHE: Don’t be coy with me, Percy Lee Grangerford. I've seen you down at the riverboat talkin’ with Mr. McCoy from the loan company. That no-good snake-in-the-grass has had his eye on our plantation since the war ended.

ME: Look, just give Blanche the futon, okay Percy? You can have the… the computer desk we got at Ikea last fall.

BLANCHE: (fainting) Heavens to Betsy, no! That davenport has been in our family for four generations, it has. Why, it belonged to our great-grandfather, General T. Thaddius Clemens. And it was supposed to pass to our  beloved brother, Whitney.

PERCY: Whitney?! (laughs) Why, that boy’s got such a wicked case of the consumption he can barely lift his pale white head off that silk divan he’s always lying on, much less a piece of fine mahogany like this. Ain’t that right, Whitney?

WHITNEY: Cough. Cough. (whispering) I’d hate to be a bother, but would one of ya’ll be kind enough to replace the leeches on my stomach? I believe I’m about due for a fresh blood-lettin’.

KATO: Brother Lee, I have glorious news! I was in deep meditation by the coy pond this morning when an overwhelming sense of peace and understanding came over me. And, well, I believe I may have come close to… to complete Nirvana.

LEE: Pshh! Oh yeah, I achieved Nirvana, like, two months ago. Glad you caught up, though. Welcome to the club.

KATO: But… but I thought it took years of patience and deep personal insight to truly achieve Nirvana.

LEE: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Maybe for some Buddhists it does. Not for me, though. I was into Nirvana before all the other Brothers were doing it.

KATO: But Brother Lee, you seem so… so human. Are you certain you reached a true state of Nirvana?

LEE: Yeah, yeah—an overwhelming sense of oneness with the universe, an unfiltered understanding of my true self, blah blah blah. I’m going to level with you, Brother Kato: Nirvana is so lower caste. You're lucky you told me before you told anyone else about this. I’m pretty sure the rest of our Brothers would have just laughed at you.

KATO: This is shocking, Brother Lee. I had always believed our faith was supposed to spread a universal sense of understanding and compassion throughout the temple.

LEE: That’s so cute. Someday you’ll be truly enlightened, Bro Kato. Until then, why don’t you sick to chanting, mmmkay?