Put that Juicy Juice down!!! Juicy Juice is for daughters who take their father's phone calls only. Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from Los Angeles. And I'm here to straighten you out. You call yourself a daughter, you thoughtless little pig? Do you know what your Uncle Stephen's getting for Christmas? Do you? A PlayStation 3. That's right. Your mother, she's getting a set of steak knives. Your present is... adoption. You get the picture? You're laughing now?

You got a phone. I paid good money for it. Pull it out and answer it. You can't answer the calls you're given, you can't answer shit? You ARE shit. Hit the bricks and beat it, Little Orphan Annie.

What? "The signal is weak?" Fucking signal's weak? You're weak. I've been in this network for fifteen months. "What's my area code?" FUCK YOU—that's my area code. You know why? 'Cause you call your friends on a Moto' RAZR, I call mine with a ruby-studded BlackBerry. That's my area code! And your area code is "Caller is not Available..." And you can't play in a daughter's game. Because only one thing counts in this family: Get them to push on the button which says "SEND." You fucking hear me?

"A-B-C." "A," always. "B," be. "C," charging. "Always Be Charging." Always. Be. Charging. You got a charger. Fucking use it. I know you do 'cause it's fuck or call. You hear my ringtone? "She Likes Me for Me" by Blessed Union of Souls? This ringtone cost more than your Heelys. I made Fun With Dick and Jane last year. What did you make? Do you know what it takes to be a daughter?

It takes brass balls to be a daughter.

In one of Jackass's most famous stunts, Knoxville acts as a human test dummy for a series of self-defense items, including a number of powerful TASERS that send him to the ground in involuntary convulsions. Nevertheless, the Tool Man is dealt an even larger shock when he smashes the end of a graphite fishing rod into the live socket of a Tool Time studio light, presumably carrying an industrial-strength voltage far greater than that of a non-lethal weapon.

"Poo Cocktail" vs. "Four-Story Toilet Fall"
An early exploit of Knoxville's had him climbing into a portable toilet and the structure flipped upside down—spilling its excrement all over the daredevil. While the stunt no doubt exposed Knoxville to an entire culture of disease, it lacks the supplemental injury suffered by Tim Taylor. While attempting to demonstrate the ease with which a construction worker might repel down a high rise, Taylor plummets 50 feet through a port-a-potty roof where, one may assume, the Tool Man's velocity sent him through the toilet seat and into the human waste below.

Good afternoon brothers, sisters, and fellow Iraqis around the world.

Last week, the 30-year reign of terror, genocide, and persecution faced by our great nation was ended as Saddam Hussein, former President of Iraq and dictator to millions, was executed.

Despite his well-publicized tribunal and recorded hanging, a number of disturbing theories have formed regarding the manner of Mr. Hussein's punishment. In an effort to protect Iraq's reputation as a fair and enlightened new democracy, I wish to address these rumors here today.

Contrary to popular opinion, Mr. Hussein was executed by hanging. The tribunal did not "barbeque his head." Needless to say, this would be the heinous act of an uncivilized people. Despite the audacity and horror of the crimes perpetrated by Mr. Hussein, we would never lower ourselves to such torture.

There has also been a great deal of speculation as to the whereabouts of the deceased's body. For security reasons, we cannot disclose the precise location of Mr. Hussein's remains. However, I wish to quell the ongoing rumor that we "flushed it down the potty." To do so would exhibit gross disrespect for the dead and his loved ones and, I would imagine, break no less than half a dozen Islamic burial laws. And on a more practical note, I find it difficult to imagine a toilet in Baghdad large enough to flush an entire human corpse. Because we did not flush them down the potty, we can neither confirm nor deny the reports that Mr. Hussien's remains went round and round.

So, with these ugly rumors laid to rest, let this be a day of closure, and of somber celebration of the end of a tyrant who murdered his citizens, invaded lands and, in all probability, totally had cooties.

Thank you.

Bonus Features Include:

Interactive Menus
Scene Selection (Jump to any scene in the film!)
Subtitles: English, Spanish
Mono and Stereo Tracks
Region 1 Encoding
"Pause" Option (Freeze the movie whenever you want!)
Adjustable Volume
Rated Edition (The version we could show you in theaters!)
Complete Opening Credits (Including Unit Production Manager)
Custom Plastic Case With Plot Summary, Review Blurbs, and Movie Stills
Fully Ejectable Disc!
Undeleted Scenes
Disc fits in all DVD Players!

1. Place ear to chest of victim and "shoosh" gathering customers as you listen for heartbeat. Announce that you can hear no pulse and demand they give victim "some air, for Christ's sake."

2. Tear open victim's shirt, place hands on victim's chest and begin sequence of 15 compressions, counting each with audible whisper.

3. Tilt victim's head back, place lips around mouth, and begin respiration. Repeat compression/respiration sequence for up to 2 minutes or until random bystander pats you on shoulder and gently insists victim is "gone."

4. Sit beside victim, defeated, gently weeping with head buried in hands.

5. Shout that it isn't the victim's "time yet" and throw self back on victim's body. Pound clenched fist down on victim's chest until victim miraculously regains consciousness, or bystanders yank you violently away.

A proud Iroquois warrior sprinting along the lonely plains of North Dakota while morphing into a timber wolf. From a solitary prairie house in the background, an aging, teary-eyed World War II veteran and his 8-year-old grandson salute the Native American.

A loop of barbed wire circling a portrait of Tony Montana from Scarface smoking a cigar. His smoke forms the image of the flag being raised at Iwo Jima.

A sad portrait of Ronald Reagan shedding a single tear. In the reflection of the tear we can see the faces of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Frank Sinatra.

A bald eagle flying over the Rocky Mountains while clutching a tattered American flag in one talon and a rattlesnake in the other. Wrapped in the rattlesnake's tail is an olive branch, and in its mouth is a burning rose whose smoke plumes into the form of John Wayne's face.

Jesus on the crucifix. A rosebush grows at his feet. From its buds bloom the faces of the cast of Friends. Beneath it is written the epigraph "1994-2004: Rest Well Thy Gentle Ones."