1. New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits.

2. There was a good man named Paul Revere.

3. Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton.

4. Lead singer Rich Cronin likes Kevin Bacon, but he hates Footloose.

5. He also likes the color purple... macaroni and cheese.

6. And Chinese food makes him sick.

7. The great Larry Bird: jersey #33.

8. "Billy" Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets.

9. Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks.

"No person with his wits about him would ever pay to see moving pictures. Especially if those moving pictures told a story about scientists trapped on a remote South American island of genetically cloned dinosaurs run amok."

 

Here at the English Department, we know writing. You might say we have the "write" stuff. Put our knowledge to the test; you'll find we know our "write" from our left, and will get you on the "write" track.

Our teachers are all "write." They believe in Civil "Writes," even though "write" men can't jump. For example: the woman's "Write" to Choose is important to us (Disclaimer: The English Department takes no stance in the ongoing debate over abortion). You've got to fight for your "write" to write. If proper spelling is wrong, we don't want to be "write." In fact, we're so wrong we're "write."

We're the "Writes" of the Round Table, and a bunch of "write" wing conspirators (Disclaimer: The English Department is not affiliated with any particular political party or philosophy). Even Jimmy Walker says: "The English Department is dy-no-write!" Come on down: you're the next contestant on The Price is "Write." Writers belong here like Icelandic singer Bjork belongs in her home town of Writejavik, or like Hitler belonged in the Third "Write." So do the "write" thing and come in "write" away. We're located to the "write" of the library. "Write" on! We're the "Write" Brothers of writing.

Skyrockets in flight, afternoon de-write.

...Traci grabbed her belly-blouse about the waist and raised it to her collarbones. And as those heretofore-veiled body parts, which God had -- in what can only be considered an act of His supreme generosity to Man -- added to the female anatomy, were exposed, a pair of neon-green, star-shaped censor bars appeared on each of the milky breasts.

The stars were at once larger in circumference to her nipples and smaller than that of the breast itself -- leaving only an iris of voloptuous bosom. Though the considerable girth of her breasts (the very same girth that had planted in me the hope that she reveal them in the first place) made it quite impossible for Traci to view the fronts of the obtrusive stars herself, a third person could read, with some clarity, the description begun on her right (my left) breast, "TOO," and concluded on her left (my right), "HOT."

A simple claim, yet one full of erotic wonder: "Too hot." Too hot? Just what were the forbidden pleasures cloaked behind those cursed stars, whose tantalizing words stung like the refusal of some schoolyard scoundrel to share with his playmates the glossy, soft-lit centerfolds of a late-80s pornographic periodical smuggled from his father's sock drawer, that had been deemed "too hot" for the post-broadcast netherworld of 4 a.m. E! programming? 

I may never know.

In a long and distinguished career spanning 30 years and 6 films, Rocky Balboa faced a multitude of opponents ranging from a steroid-fueled Soviet killing machine to Hulk Hogan. Nevertheless, there remain several minor characters of the "Rocky" series that our favorite dyslexic underdog never had the chance to fight...


1. UNION CANE, "Rocky V"

Introduced briefly in the fifth "Rocky," Union Cane had all the signs of becoming Balboa's next great opponent: a cool name, an impressive record, and he was black. Sadly, Dolph Lundgren-induced brain damage and Adrian's bitching forces Rocky into retirement, and Cane instead settles for a bout against Tommy Gunn, a thickheaded heavyweight who wears tacky FIFA tracksuits and is naive enough to claim he's "nobody's boy" while under the management of Don King.

2. THE BULLIES WHO BEAT UP ROCKY'S SON, "Rocky V"

When the Balboa family is forced to move back to the low-class Philly neighborhood where the champ grew up, Rocky Jr.'s preppy upbringing invites the finest ass kicking the city's public schools have to offer. Rocky Sr. dismisses his son's pleas for help with all sorts of "you need to, like, use you brain"-style pacifism; still, nothing would have been cooler—or funnier—than to watch a 2-time heavyweight champion pound a bunch of 13-year-olds into a bloody, jean-jacket-wearing mess. Though the lil' Stallion eventually manages to give his peers a good PG-rated beat-down, his newfound street cred is quickly eliminated after he wears one of Adrian's dangling earrings in an ill-advised attempt at rebellion.