An old man turned ninety-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day... of chronic emphysema from inhalation of the latex particles scratched off decades' worth of lottery tickets.

A black fly in your Chardonnay... poured to celebrate the successful fumigation of your recently purchased vineyard in southern France.

A death row pardon two minutes too late... because the governor was too busy watching Dead Man Walking to grant clemency any earlier.

Rain on your wedding day... to Ra, the Egyptian sun-god.

A free ride when you've already paid... all of your money to the good-natured cab driver when you mistook him for a mugger.

The good advice that you just didn't take... after reading Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking and resolving that the key to success is making your own decisions.

Mr. Play-it-Safe was afraid to fly. He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down, he thought, Well isn't this nice... now I'll never make it to the National Association of Aviophobics conference in Reno, NV.

A traffic jam when you're already late... to receive an award from the Municipal Planning Board for reducing the city's automobile congestion 80 percent.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break... at the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco corporate offices in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife... with which to kill your spouse for sleeping with the young soup chef who works at the Au Bon Pain.

Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife... who happens to be the psychiatrist I recently hired in hopes of improving my luck with the opposite sex.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST and several of her winged monkeys have trapped DOROTHY, TIN MAN, SCARECROW, the COWARDLY LION and TOTO against the wall. The Witch raises her broomstick and magically ignites the end of it.

WITCH: How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

She thrusts the flaming broom toward Scarecrow. His straw arm catches fire, and he begins to run around, swatting at it.

SCARECROW: Help! I'm burning! Help! Help!

Dorothy finds a bucket of water and throws it at Scarecrow's arm. Some of it splashes the Witch, who screams in agony. She rips off her wet cloak and pointy hat to reveal flowing black hair and a surprisingly buxom figure covered only by a soaking wet cotton tank top and cutoff jeans.

The Witch grabs a second bucket of water and throws it at Dorothy, drenching Dorothy's tight little farmer's outfit. Dorothy tackles the Witch to the ground. The two roll around, screaming and ripping each other's wet clothes off as Scarecrow, Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion exchange excited high fives.


Psycho (1960)

MARION CRANE undresses and steps into the steaming shower of her Bates Motel suite. She lets the water wash over her, as if cleaning away the stress of the long, tiresome day.

A large shadow stealthily approaches the shower. The curtain is violently torn away. Marion turns and shrieks in terror as two pimple-faced undergrads videotape her with a Sony DV Handycam. The one not holding the camera is wearing 3-D glasses and eating popcorn, as if watching a movie.

Marion wraps herself in the shower curtain and runs out of the bathroom. The two undergrads laugh and pat each other on the back.

PIMPLE-FACED UNDERGRAD #1: Who said college wouldn't be fun?

PIMPLE-FACED UNDERGRAD #2: Welcome to Bonertown. Population: my boner.

They laugh and chase after Marion.


It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

A cold and befuddled GEORGE BAILEY stands shivering outside Nick's Bar with CLARENCE, his guardian angel.

CLARENCE: You've been given a great gift, George: a chance to see what the world would be like without you.

GEORGE: Then if I wasn't born, who am I?

CLARENCE: You're nobody. You have no identity.

George is struggling to comprehend Clarence's answer when an E! Wild On tour bus pulls up next to them. The door slides open and TARA REID—inexplicably in full color—steps out, margarita in hand, wearing a yellow bikini and white miniskirt.

TARA REID: Hi, boys. I came here to tape Wild On: Bedford Falls, but it turns out some jerk named Potter bought the whole town and won't let us shoot here. Now I'm heading down to South Beach for New Year's. Wanna come?

George and Clarence look at one another with disbelief. They gleefully follow Tara Reid onto the bus. Just before boarding they look at each other once more and, in unison, do Bill and Ted-style air guitars.

Greetings from campus, good students. This is Dean Fillmore of the Social Sciences department. I'd like to wish all of you a happy holiday, and a restful winter break, and look forward to seeing you all again next semester.

Now, I've received several e-mails from students expressing concern over last week's invasion and conquest of the college by Lord Cyclopticus of star system Abraxas-5 and his vicious Cylclopticon armies. Many of you would like to know if this will effect your classes when you return in January. Well, I would like to assure you all school will begin on schedule. As far as I'm concerned, the pursuit of education continues, regardless of whichever intergalactic warlord currently holds supreme reign over our campus.

That said, the school's board of academic standards, now headed by Lord Cyclopticus and a panel of BV-12 binary robots, has demanded a few minor changes to our Spring schedule. But rest assured, these changes are pure formalities that will have little impact on the day-to-day operations of our class.