Pick-up Lines For The Blind

"Wanna go see a movie? Yeah, me neither." "Help, some hooligans spun me in circles and I need a sexy young thing to help me regain my orientation!" "That's odd. Your acne spells "let's knock boots" in...

Rejected Coke Advertising Campaigns and Slogans

If you try something new, you might not like it It probably isn't that bad for your teeth really Take it on a picnic, but only if you have a good cooler Sometimes when you ask for Pepsi in a restaurant they give you coke anyway I...

Super-Fun, Rainy Day Activities For Summer

Sitting inside, watching Homeward Bound trilogy on TBS Letting nature wash your car Going to the beach in hopes that it'll clear up by the time you get there, being wrong, and then driving home again Playing Guess Who alone...

Worst $25 Gift Cards

Hallmark Pottery Barn Dentist McDonald's Chili's $26 Store Sperm Bank The 25-Dollar-Per-Bottle Shampoo Shoppe Isuzu Dealership Ferrari Dealership Church Taxidermist Nudist Commune (barter system)...

Media Mergers We'd Like To See

Things We Wish We Could Major In

In alphabetical order Beard growing Being a bear Cheese Co-ed mud wrestling Complex laundry, with a minor in stripes Doing cool stuff Four square Full House Having Sex Indiana Jones-style archaeology Knot...

Things You Don't Hear Much Anymore

(In reverse-chronological order) "You should really buy a Livestrong bracelet. It's for a good cause." "Old Navy cargo shorts are never going out of style." "I'm ready to buy a new Gateway, but none of their computers are Y2K...

Poor Corporate Sponsorships

The La-Z-Boy Ultra-Marathon The Coors Light Alcoholics Anonymous Day Parade Lipitor, the cholesterol-reducing, healthy-heart medicine sponsored artificial-heart research grant The Scholastic Warped Tour The Christian Teen...

National Puerto Rican Day Activities Less Festive than the Parade

John Leguizamo movie MarathonComparing colors of U.S. flag to colors of Puerto Rican flagMoment of silence in memory of Ricky MartinDiscussing Latin American Fiscal Policy Seeing West Side Story on BroadwayVisiting Puerto RicoWatching Seinfeld...

Better Things Fat Girls Could Spend Their Money On Than Perfume

Cats Gilmore Girls DVDs Fabio emblazoned romance novels Cocaine Gym membership 17 Magazine subscription Conservative stretch pants Ben and Jerry's stock Juggling lessons A great personality Fat men

Questions We Wish We Could Ask An Astronaut

Can I be an astronaut, but without all that training and crap? Even though I already know the answer, just to be 100% sure, I mean I'm really just asking this for my stupid little brother, the moon is not made out of cheese, right? When...