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While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved - our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen - were just a waste of time. Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent. Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!
Sometimes all the hubbub about swimming, track, and gymnastics can overshadow the other fine events that the Olympics have to offer. And that makes perfect sense. Because some of the other events are ridiculous.
I'm not even just talking about table tennis and "racewalking." I'm talking about the events from the ancient check-out-this-weird-thing-I-can-do tradition.
Shot putting? Hight jumping? Long jumping? Pole vaulting? Javelin throwing? Hammer throwing? Discus throwing? Any kind of competitive throwing? I don't doubt that these things are hard to do. I just don't know why anyone thinks to do them.
"Hey, Ivan, see that really heavy metal ball? Throw it. No, silly, don't just chuck it with all your might. Hold it up by your neck, then spin a bit, and then fling it. It'll be awesome!"
I have the sneaking suspicion that the brawny men (and women) of eastern Europe have had something to do with keeping these events in the Olympics year after year. If that's the case, I think it's only fair that every nation be able to suggest adding one of their citizens' arbitrary skills to the Olympic line-up. China already snuck in table tennis. The US could suggest eating. Greenland would excel in the field of competitive melting. And India could finally improve its medal count by adding out-sourced computer assistance to the games.
Victory for all! (But still not really for Greenland.)
See More: Olympic Round Up -
FreakierLinks
by Andrew B. 19 hours ago
Never forget.
Operation Freakout - Turns out Scientology is even more psychotic and evil than you knew! Good luck, Suri Cruise. You're gonna need it.
The Miracle of the Sun - The desert level from Mario 3 was based on real events! Will it soon be socially acceptable for me to wear my frog suit in public? Please?
The Denver Airport- News Flash! Airports suck. But the Denver Airport sucks just a littttttle harder.
The Bible Code - God got bored while he was writing the Bible and decided to turn it into a crossword puzzle. I wish he would have turned it into a sudoku or connect-the-dots, that would've been way better. Regardless, I finally have something to keep me occupied in church.
The REAL Truth Behind 9/11!!!- This is what aired in France the morning of September 11th, 2001. Are you ready to know the TRUTH? Was it bin Laden? Nope. George W. Bush? Nuh-uh. Iran? Iraq? Russia? Canada? Ecuador?! Not even close. The truth is far more horrifying than you can ever imagine.
May the Jihad be with you.
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Olympic Spoiler Alerts
by Jake Klocksien 21 hours ago
See More: Olympics -
Vampire Roommate
by Chase Mitchell yesterdayMiles: Hey, Vlad?
"I would prefer if you took down the Sarah Michelle Gellar poster."
Vlad: Yeah.
Miles: We need to talk.
Vlad: Ugh... what.
Miles: Look at what I'm holding. What does this look like to you?
Vlad: A pack of Gushers.
Miles: It was. (Squeezes one.) Now they're not gushing anything.
Vlad: That's weird.
Miles: Yeah. Did you suck the juice out of these?
Vlad: Absolutely not.
Miles: You sure? What's that stuff on your teeth, then?
Vlad: Blood, obviously.
Miles: Blood.
Vlad: Yup. Bit a kid earlier.
Miles: It's purple.
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Do your parents not understand technology? Dothey ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages?Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?"
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!
Your parents' Michael Phelps.
I used my parents laptop the other day and closed the lid once I was finished. This was apparently the first time anyone had closed the laptop because I got a phone call from my mom an hour later at work asking me "to not mess with the home computer and to put the screen back on when I got done with work."
Alex P.My grandpa got a magic 8-ball during a gift swapping game at a familyChristmas party. We told him to ask it a question, and he held it up tohis mouth and asked "Where's Beijing?"
Charlie N, Penn StateWhen I was younger, my mom would tell me every night to get off the computer because "bad people go on the internet at night."
deana l.
See More: Parentsjustdontunderstand -
Zach Galifianakis is what you call an alternative comic. When you think of most standup comedians, you imagine stale comparisons between males and females, and what the deal is with parking tickets. Not so with Galifianakis, who states his joke and then quickly moves on, sitting calmly at a piano in front of the waiting audience. Discussing topics such as the difficulties of quitting cold turkey itself or wondering "if deaf people have a sign for 'talk to the hand,'" his quips seldom last more than a sentence or two.In 2005, he appeared in "The Comedians of Comedy" alongside Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Maria Bamford and has since released a live standup DVD. Last fall he appeared in the Sean Penn directed "Into the Wild" and stars in "Visioneers," an upcoming indie film.
Galifianakis is the only person in history to appear in music videos for both Kanye West and Fiona Apple.
How did you get into doing standup?
I moved to NYC after failing my last course in college by one point. I had a nervous breakdown and then moved there with my cousin Dean who was going to NYU. We shared a closet for a bedroom. I moved to Manhattan in hopes of finding a great acting teacher who would change my life. Instead I met too many drinks.
See More: CollegeHumor Interview Zach Galifianakis -
While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved - our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen - were just a waste of time. Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent. Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!
I didn't watch the Olympics last night. It's not because I forgot; it's because I just really didn't want to. But when I went to check the Olympic Cliffsnotes a.k.a. the newspaper, I was reminded of a few events I have neglected to mention thus far:
Brazil almost took the gold in Pathetic-Ways-to-Get-People-to-Go-to-Your-Country by putting Richard Gere in their commercials, but at the last second they were sadly defeated by Australia when mayor John Molony realized the most brilliantly embarrassing way to fix your town's over-male population problem: invite ugly chicks. Triumph.
India pulled ahead in the Is-It-Really-Racist-to-Make-Fun-of-Their-Food? race as they took advantage of China's temporarily dogless menu, and trumped it with the government sanctioned suggestion of dining on rats.
Russia took the gold in Global-Super-Power-Multitasking by seizing Georgia's port of Poti after promising to withdraw, threatening nuclear activity, and still finding time for sports. China came in a close second as they managed to lie about almost everything having to do with the Olympic ceremonies, take bibles from missionaries, and, of course, continue every shady government practice that makes China China. The fine US of A won a respectable bronze for its multi-faceted activities that can best be described by the White House's official away message: "Phelps and stuff..."
And last, but probably not for the last time, Poland effortlessly swept up all medals in the contest for Western-Country-Most-Likely-to-Get-Dragged-into-Situations-Just-to-Get-Sh*t-on. A bittersweet victory, but as the old Polish saying goes, "Hey, at least we got something."
Congratulations to all!
See More: Olympic Round Up -
#10
Song: "Trust", by Prince
Reason: Parade float scene, Batman (1989)
Not that I listened to this song all that much to begin with, but it still applies to the list. Tim Burton's Batman is a classic, but watching it after the recent wave of new age superhero movies makes you realize how completely ridiculous some of its scenes truly were. Heath may be always remembered as the creepiest Joker, but Jack is no doubt the silliest. The parade scene is by far the funniest part of the movie, and after seeing it a million times it's gotten to the point where if I even hear the interlude to Prince's "Trust" I'll picture that ridiculous clown balloon peeking around the street corner and immediately burst out laughing.
#9
Song: "Bad Day", by Daniel Powter
Reason: RIP Keith Ledger Youtube Video
I still don't know the source of this internet-wide joke, but purposefully calling Heath Ledger "Keith Ledger" for the purpose of sending die hard fans into an anger frenzy doesn't seem like it will ever not be funny. Reading the mile-long list of angry Youtube comments over this video is even funnier with the 'sincere' background music playing, and now the piano interlude alone is enough to send me into a laughing fit.
#8
Song: "O, Fortuna", by Carl Orff
Reason: Jackass: The Movie (2002)
I'm sure that if German composer Carl Orff knew his orchestral masterpiece (which was inspired by the deep, moving poetry of the 13th century) made people not think of the struggle of mankind, but rather Chris Pontius in a banana hammock, he could've died a happier man. The worst part is that this song and the opening/closing sequence match up so perfectly its almost like they were meant for each other. Someone needs to give that editor a medal.
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The reason the Japanese invented vowels.
What All Chinese Fortune Cookies Should Say
You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.-Nghia NguyenIf 24 Was Set During Daylight Savings Time
"The following events take place between 2 AM and 2 AM."-Shawn PearlmanPeople always say the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize there is no more toilet paper. I think the worst thing is when you finish sh*tting and realize you're in the shower.-Mike PBacon with your breakfast is like the icing on the cake. Though I also put icing on my bacon.-Patrick CasselsI wonder if some registered sex offenders are just really shy people who needed an excuse to introduce themselves to their neighbors.-Conor McKeon
See More: 105 Percent -
Google Maps Leads You to Buried Pirate Treasure
by Katie Marino 3 days ago
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The Future of Warfare
by Streeter Seidell August 13, 2008Ypres, Belgium - November 15, 1914
The Battle of Ypres rages as two German soldiers keep watch over the British trenches.German Soldier 1: My God, who would have thought soldiers would be reduced to this? Sitting in trenches, firing these machined guns at each other. There is little honor to be had here.
German Soldier 2: Yes, yes. But one must never forget we serve a higher purpose than ourselves: the great German fatherland. If I die for Germany, I die with honor.
German Soldier 1: Indeed, but if I must die for Germany, let it be by the blade, not some unseen bullet or bomb.
German Soldier 2: We are fighting a different war than in times past, my friend. A modern war. World War I will be looked on as a turning point for military technology and deployment.
German Soldier 1: I cou...Now wait a minute, what did you call this war?
German Soldier 2: ...What did I say?
German Soldier 1: I believe you called this "World War I."
German Soldier 2: Did I? I meant to say 'The Great War,' of course.
German Soldier 1: Ah, yes. I thought you a fortune-telling gypsy for a second!
German Soldier 2: If you were not my closest friend, I would have your ear for such a comment!
German Soldier 1: Merely a joke, friend. World War I? Ha! As if anyone knows the future! Besides, this is the war to end all wars. The Great War!
German Soldier 2: The Greatest of Wars, so far!
German Soldier 1: Agr...Again, 'so far'? Have you some plan, my friend?
German Soldier 2: A plan? Ha! What use is planning in uncertain times? If I live through World War I, I will most likely return to my passion: pai...
German Soldier 1: There! You did it again! You called it...
A Lieutenant approaches the soldiers' position.
Lieutenant: Private Hitler, grab your weapon and report to command.
German Soldier 2: Well, it appears as if I'm needed.
German Soldier 1: Godspeed, friend. Do Germany proud!
German Soldier 2: My friend, I would never do anything to shame the Fatherland! To arms!
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An Honest End Of Summer Discussion
by Shawn Dobbins August 12, 2008Boy: Wow, I can't believe summer is almost over. It went by so fast.Girl: I know, as much as I like to complain about my hometown, I'll miss living in a house with a fully-functional toilet and eating non-diarrhea causing food.
Boy: Totally. It will be so refreshing to get back to my annoying college friends and not hang out in your parent's basement everyday. But seriously, even though we go to different schools and are 7 hours apart, I really think we can keep this relationship going for the first two weeks of college.
Girl: I totally agree. Spending time with you this summer has been soooooo convenient, and I just know that after I sleep with that cute guy from my history class that our relationship will be reduced to awkward instant messenger conversations.
Boy: But we'll say that we'll keep in touch right?
Girl: Absolutely. I promise to call every weekend, tanked out of my mind, and leave sobbing voice messages saying how we should get back together. You have my word.
Boy: That's why I loved you for no more than three months baby. I am already looking forward to coming to your school in October and drunkenly making a lot of mistakes that I will deeply regret. I won't even care that you somehow gained 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. That's how desperate I'll be.
Girl: I am already looking forward to Thanksgiving break, where you'll completely ignore me at the party that we both show up at. I promise that I'll totally fly off the handle when I see you making out with my soon-to-be ex-best friend Tiffany.
Boy: I can tell that we are starting a rift that will separate us for the rest of our lives.
Girl: Oh, I don't even want to talk about it anymore; hold me for the next two weeks.
See More: Conversations -
Cyanide and Happiness
by Cyanide & Happiness August 12, 2008
See More: Cartoons Cyanide And Happiness -
See More: IM Collegehumor Classic -
Brought to you by Scrabulous: Home Edition
Wikipedia Should Change the Default For These Pages
- Anthrax
- Halo
-GUTS-Jeff RubinI don't like post-apocalyptic films. I like present-apocalyptic films. Like Apocalypse Now.-Shawn PearlmanWhat Taco Bell Doesn't Want You to Know About Its Food
Anything.-PapaBear ColbertI love you like a fat kid loves cake: You were great at the time but you ruined high school for me.-Jackson LiggettDo you think the National Competitive Eaters Association bans marijuana as a performance-enhancing drug?-Mark V
See More: 105 Percent
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College Saving Tips
by Ben Joseph August 04, 2008College can be expensive. Replacing brand name products with cheaper, generic alternatives can save both time and money. For example:
See More: COLLEGE! -
See More: Collegehumor Classic -
Wardrobe Conversation
by Mike Abrahamson July 29, 2008Pants on Floor: Oh God, did you see what Mike brought in last night?
Shirt on Floor: Oh god, I barely made it in the room before those fake nails of hers tore me off so hard my zipper nearly broke off. I still smell like a Bacardi Breezer.
Pants on Floor: I just wish Mike would start getting with a girl whose clothes can have a conversation, not these bus station quality sluts. Like that girl he was dating for a few months. She was great, nothing but tasteful sweaters and khaki pants.
Shirt on Floor: Shhh he's coming!
(Mike walks in from shower, singing and talking to himself)
Mike: Somethin something somethin she's just bein Miiiiiley... What to wear, what to wear tonight. Hmm... I heard there's something going on at the frats.
Attitude T-Shirt: Yes, it's my time to shine baby! The world will remember Anchorman quotes once again! You ready, Cheap Stars and Stripes Hat Mike Bought at Walmart?
America Hat: Hell yea bra, I am ready to make some sort of vague, possibly ironic statement about patriotism. Or something.
(Mike gets off of the phone)
Mike: Hmm...looks the frat party got called off. A few dozen pledges get alcohol poisoning and ruin it for the rest of us. I hope they die in the hospital. Ha.
Sweatpants: Oh well. Looks like you should just stayin tonight. You did go out yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday, and Monday, anyway. Throw me on, grab a Coke, chill.
Sweatshirt: Yeah bud. Relax, watch some Family Guy with us.
Slippers: Ah, who are you kidding, you know the deal. We come out during Midterms for a week straight, come out stained and smelling like shit and go unused until Finals.
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Epic Burn
by Dan Gurewitch July 24, 2008Every day, the anonymity granted by the Internet flips the a-hole switch for thousands of otherwise decent humans. My coworkers and I have developed thick skins, but we never stop wondering what motivates certain commenters to unleash such brutal tirades, determined to sprinkle everyone else's perfectly good Internet salad with sh*t pepper. We just can't get inside their heads... until now.
Two days ago, a CH reader named Claudio insulted my dear friend Amir's performance in our Font Conference video, noting that "suicide is an option." Amir usually welcomes such constructive criticism, but this time, he made an interesting discovery about his history with Claudio. The full exchange follows.
We know that not everybody will enjoy everything we do, and we love hearing your feedback (good and bad). That said, let this kind of shameless hypocrisy be a lesson to all would-be purposeless haters: Negativity for negativity's sake is gayyyyyyyyyyy. (Keep reading for responses to the burn.)
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The Last Mario Party
by Brian Murphy July 21, 2008Luigi: Sick party, bro.
Mario: Hell yeah. Good tunes, good people...I'm just stoked none of Bowser's crew showed up.
Luigi: About that...Now don't freak, but Koopa Troopa and a few of his boys just walked in.
Mario: What!? I'm about to WILE OUT.
Luigi: Chill dude, chill.
Mario: If that weak ass turtle comes near me, I am going to do the WORST thing I can possibly do to him.
Luigi: What's that?
Mario: Jump on him.
Luigi: Whoa, whoa. Just be cool. One of his boys is comin' over to us right now...
*Mario flexes at a ghost that is approaching them. The ghost covers its eyes and stops.*
See More: Videogames Mario Bros -
See More: Drunk-o-vision Collegehumor Classic
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