Wow, I am just in a whole world of hurt right now on the homestead.

Yes, I definitely faked my own death to score a big promotion- insensitive at worst, I would say. I certainly didn't hear any complaining when the new range and KitchenAid dishwasher got delivered, that's for sure. True, I also selected my son as my "most def fave" family member when threatened by the former District Attorney. Does any of this mean I deserve a few nights on the couch? I would say no.

My God, this Olympics business takes forever.

We've had more than a week of competition and guess what: most of the people competing have lost. Even the silver medalists are still just first place losers. Usually the races are so close that the runners up might still be able to feel good about themselves, but every once in a while a special race comes along that really must crush the spirits of those who didn't come in first.

I am, of course, talking about the seemingly effortless victory of Usain Bolt. Let's review the facts: his name is Bolt, he won by a lot even though his last few strides had to share their energy with a true winner's preemptive celebration, oh, and his shoe was untied.

What's that Olympic saying again? It's not the triumph, but the struggle?

Not for Mr. Bolt.

Mad Men, there's a reason I don't go to church on Sundays. I'd rather worship you. (Also if I walk inside one I burst into flames.) Nevertheless, you chose to open this week's episode at Catholic mass, where Peggy is busy not listening to the priest deliver a pretty applicable sermon about bearing one's own cross (infant child). Feeling nauseous (again, Peggy?), she ducks out the back and runs into the church's new priest: Father Gil, played by Colin Hanks. He tells Peggy that her sister has invited him over for family dinner, then Catholic-guilts her back to her seat.

Meanwhile Don and Betty are in bed, and Betty's on the phone about some barbeque they're supposed to attend. Remembering that he enjoys family gatherings even less than sex with Betty, Don urges his wife to cancel. "Don's not feeling well," Betty says, which is code for "Don is pathetically rubbing his half erect penis on my leg." Suddenly the kids run in, and Don barks at them to get out so he can pretend mommy is another woman for about 15 minutes.

James Introcaso joins me once again this week from all the way out in LA. He took some time out of his Good Works Tour to discuss what happens when you mix gamma rays with scotch and what upcoming supermovies he's excited about.

PANEL ONE: Drunk driving's bad. I think that's something all of us can get behind. You know what's worse? Drunk superhero-ing. Imagine if the car being drunk driven could fly, shoot lasers, and read your mind. There have been some pretty heavy abusers over the years.

Sean: Of course the classic example is Tony Stark
James: Agreed. Though they didn't play it up in the movie, that man is a booze fiend
Sean: "Get me a scotch, I'm starving." I think they did a good job showing his love of the bottle.

#10
Song: "Trust", by Prince
Reason: Parade float scene, Batman (1989)
Not that I listened to this song all that much to begin with, but it still applies to the list. Tim Burton's Batman is a classic, but watching it after the recent wave of new age superhero movies makes you realize how completely ridiculous some of its scenes truly were. Heath may be always remembered as the creepiest Joker, but Jack is no doubt the silliest. The parade scene is by far the funniest part of the movie, and after seeing it a million times it's gotten to the point where if I even hear the interlude to Prince's "Trust" I'll picture that ridiculous clown balloon peeking around the street corner and immediately burst out laughing.

#9
Song: "Bad Day", by Daniel Powter
Reason: RIP Keith Ledger Youtube Video
I still don't know the source of this internet-wide joke, but purposefully calling Heath Ledger "Keith Ledger" for the purpose of sending die hard fans into an anger frenzy doesn't seem like it will ever not be funny. Reading the mile-long list of angry Youtube comments over this video is even funnier with the 'sincere' background music playing, and now the piano interlude alone is enough to send me into a laughing fit.

#8
Song: "O, Fortuna", by Carl Orff
Reason: Jackass: The Movie (2002)
I'm sure that if German composer Carl Orff knew his orchestral masterpiece (which was inspired by the deep, moving poetry of the 13th century) made people not think of the struggle of mankind, but rather Chris Pontius in a banana hammock, he could've died a happier man. The worst part is that this song and the opening/closing sequence match up so perfectly its almost like they were meant for each other. Someone needs to give that editor a medal.

 Boy: Wow, I can't believe summer is almost over.  It went by so fast.

Girl: I know, as much as I like to complain about my hometown, I'll miss living in a house with a fully-functional toilet and eating non-diarrhea causing food.

Boy: Totally.  It will be so refreshing to get back to my annoying college friends and not hang out in your parent's basement everyday.  But seriously, even though we go to different schools and are 7 hours apart, I really think we can keep this relationship going for the first two weeks of college.

Girl: I totally agree.  Spending time with you this summer has been soooooo convenient, and I just know that after I sleep with that cute guy from my history class that our relationship will be reduced to awkward instant messenger conversations.

Boy: But we'll say that we'll keep in touch right?

Girl: Absolutely.  I promise to call every weekend, tanked out of my mind, and leave sobbing voice messages saying how we should get back together.  You have my word.

Boy: That's why I loved you for no more than three months baby.  I am already looking forward to coming to your school in October and drunkenly making a lot of mistakes that I will deeply regret.  I won't even care that you somehow gained 15 pounds in a matter of weeks.  That's how desperate I'll be.

Girl: I am already looking forward to Thanksgiving break, where you'll completely ignore me at the party that we both show up at.  I promise that I'll totally fly off the handle when I see you making out with my soon-to-be ex-best friend Tiffany.

Boy: I can tell that we are starting a rift that will separate us for the rest of our lives.

Girl: Oh, I don't even want to talk about it anymore; hold me for the next two weeks.

I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.

Ypres, Belgium - November 15, 1914

The Battle of Ypres rages as two German soldiers keep watch over the British trenches.  

German Soldier 1:  My God, who would have thought soldiers would be reduced to this?  Sitting in trenches, firing these machined guns at each other.  There is little honor to be had here.  

German Soldier 2:  Yes, yes.  But one must never forget we serve a higher purpose than ourselves: the great German fatherland.  If I die for Germany, I die with honor.

German Soldier 1:  Indeed, but if I must die for Germany, let it be by the blade, not some unseen bullet or bomb.

German Soldier 2:  We are fighting a different war than in times past, my friend.  A modern war.  World War I will be looked on as a turning point for military technology and deployment.  

German Soldier 1:  I cou...Now wait a minute, what did you call this war?

German Soldier 2:  ...What did I say?

German Soldier 1: I believe you called this "World War I."

German Soldier 2: Did I?  I meant to say 'The Great War,' of course.

German Soldier 1: Ah, yes.  I thought you a fortune-telling gypsy for a second!

German Soldier 2: If you were not my closest friend, I would have your ear for such a comment! 

German Soldier 1: Merely a joke, friend. World War I?  Ha!  As if anyone knows the future! Besides, this is the war to end all wars.  The Great War! 

German Soldier 2: The Greatest of Wars, so far!

German Soldier 1: Agr...Again, 'so far'?  Have you some plan, my friend? 

German Soldier 2: A plan?  Ha!  What use is planning in uncertain times? If I live through World War I, I will most likely return to my passion: pai...

German Soldier 1: There!  You did it again!  You called it...

A Lieutenant approaches the soldiers' position.  

Lieutenant: Private Hitler, grab your weapon and report to command.  

German Soldier 2:  Well, it appears as if I'm needed.  

German Soldier 1:  Godspeed, friend.  Do Germany proud!

German Soldier 2:  My friend, I would never do anything to shame the Fatherland!  To arms!