1. Trade him to another team who has already retired #85, so he has to wear another number while still carrying the name Ocho Cinco

2. Enroll him in Spanish classes, and make sure the first lesson is entitled "The actual way to say '85' in Spanish"

3. Stop complaining, because Ocho Cinco just sold 2 million novelty jerseys.

Anyone know the name of the song playing over the opening scene of this week's episode? That has to be one of the coolest bra-putting-on montages I've ever seen. Easily in the top 10. One by one, the various women of "Mad Men" are seen strapping into the over-the-shoulder-holders for their respective boulders, the reason being that Sterling Cooper's top client this week is Playtex.

Cupping women's boobs and pushing them together so they look bigger is only a hobby for most of us, but these guys are professionals, and Paul Kinsey has a big idea for their next campaign. All women fall into two categories, he insists: The Jackies and the Marilyns - and Playtex has the bras to fit both of them. It's pretty simplistic and not all that clever, but hey, this is literally the first pitch of Paul's (pictured on the show, anyway) to be met with a modicum of success, so good for him. Anyway, what's more important is that he arrived at this supposed stroke of genius after a night out drinking with everyone in the boardroom but Peggy, and she's starting to get pretty annoyed that creative decisions, escpecially dumb ones, are being made without her.

Ahhh, Can you smell that in the air? Plastic cups and ping-pong balls fresh out of the packaging and the clean lemony-piney aroma of a brand new (cleaned heavily to hide various human fluids to appear new) dorm room just waiting to be broken in with another full year of good old fashioned debauchery. Its Orientation Week '08, and that means this week we're taking a look at the new movie in theatres this week, College.

As you may have seen from the previews, College follows three High School seniors who go on a road trip to spend orientation week at Fieldmont University, where hilarity ensues.

First of all, something about this movie that dawned on me almost instantly in the theater is that it's been done before. Now, now, don't jump to conclusions and get me wrong; I'm not some kind of brainless idiot here to complain about another college genre movie. Every kind of movie has been done before about a million times, and when they're done right they're hilarious. That's not what I'm talking about. Animal House, Old School, American Pie and Road Trip are all college genre movies but all stand out for different reasons.

Most people will at least recognize Bill Burr from his appearances on "Chappelle's Show." The Massachusets-born comic has been in the business for over a decade and after a handful of Letterman & Conan appearances, a few short cable specials, and a previous comedy album, he is now landing his first hour-long special which can be seen August 31st on Comedy Central.

Unlike many comics, Burr can't be pinned down to only one style. He is able to successfully touch on political material, running over a large crowd of people in a car, racial material, and then segue into talking about how neutered dogs can help the nation's obesity problem.

He gained more recognition in 2006, when he delivered a very NSFW tirade to a massive Philadelphia audience, berating everything cherished by the city such as their sports teams, their mothers, and Rocky.

What made you want to get into standup as opposed to another form of comedy like writing or acting?

I always loved stand up comedy. When I was a kid, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to be able to stand alone on a stage and make a crowd laugh their asses off. To me, the idea of doing something like that was both fascinating and absolutely terrifying.

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RULES: Submit your one best caption as a comment. No replies. No retries. Keep reading to vote on last week's best...

#10
Song: "Trust", by Prince
Reason: Parade float scene, Batman (1989)
Not that I listened to this song all that much to begin with, but it still applies to the list. Tim Burton's Batman is a classic, but watching it after the recent wave of new age superhero movies makes you realize how completely ridiculous some of its scenes truly were. Heath may be always remembered as the creepiest Joker, but Jack is no doubt the silliest. The parade scene is by far the funniest part of the movie, and after seeing it a million times it's gotten to the point where if I even hear the interlude to Prince's "Trust" I'll picture that ridiculous clown balloon peeking around the street corner and immediately burst out laughing.

#9
Song: "Bad Day", by Daniel Powter
Reason: RIP Keith Ledger Youtube Video
I still don't know the source of this internet-wide joke, but purposefully calling Heath Ledger "Keith Ledger" for the purpose of sending die hard fans into an anger frenzy doesn't seem like it will ever not be funny. Reading the mile-long list of angry Youtube comments over this video is even funnier with the 'sincere' background music playing, and now the piano interlude alone is enough to send me into a laughing fit.

#8
Song: "O, Fortuna", by Carl Orff
Reason: Jackass: The Movie (2002)
I'm sure that if German composer Carl Orff knew his orchestral masterpiece (which was inspired by the deep, moving poetry of the 13th century) made people not think of the struggle of mankind, but rather Chris Pontius in a banana hammock, he could've died a happier man. The worst part is that this song and the opening/closing sequence match up so perfectly its almost like they were meant for each other. Someone needs to give that editor a medal.

 Boy: Wow, I can't believe summer is almost over.  It went by so fast.

Girl: I know, as much as I like to complain about my hometown, I'll miss living in a house with a fully-functional toilet and eating non-diarrhea causing food.

Boy: Totally.  It will be so refreshing to get back to my annoying college friends and not hang out in your parent's basement everyday.  But seriously, even though we go to different schools and are 7 hours apart, I really think we can keep this relationship going for the first two weeks of college.

Girl: I totally agree.  Spending time with you this summer has been soooooo convenient, and I just know that after I sleep with that cute guy from my history class that our relationship will be reduced to awkward instant messenger conversations.

Boy: But we'll say that we'll keep in touch right?

Girl: Absolutely.  I promise to call every weekend, tanked out of my mind, and leave sobbing voice messages saying how we should get back together.  You have my word.

Boy: That's why I loved you for no more than three months baby.  I am already looking forward to coming to your school in October and drunkenly making a lot of mistakes that I will deeply regret.  I won't even care that you somehow gained 15 pounds in a matter of weeks.  That's how desperate I'll be.

Girl: I am already looking forward to Thanksgiving break, where you'll completely ignore me at the party that we both show up at.  I promise that I'll totally fly off the handle when I see you making out with my soon-to-be ex-best friend Tiffany.

Boy: I can tell that we are starting a rift that will separate us for the rest of our lives.

Girl: Oh, I don't even want to talk about it anymore; hold me for the next two weeks.

Ypres, Belgium - November 15, 1914

The Battle of Ypres rages as two German soldiers keep watch over the British trenches.  

German Soldier 1:  My God, who would have thought soldiers would be reduced to this?  Sitting in trenches, firing these machined guns at each other.  There is little honor to be had here.  

German Soldier 2:  Yes, yes.  But one must never forget we serve a higher purpose than ourselves: the great German fatherland.  If I die for Germany, I die with honor.

German Soldier 1:  Indeed, but if I must die for Germany, let it be by the blade, not some unseen bullet or bomb.

German Soldier 2:  We are fighting a different war than in times past, my friend.  A modern war.  World War I will be looked on as a turning point for military technology and deployment.  

German Soldier 1:  I cou...Now wait a minute, what did you call this war?

German Soldier 2:  ...What did I say?

German Soldier 1: I believe you called this "World War I."

German Soldier 2: Did I?  I meant to say 'The Great War,' of course.

German Soldier 1: Ah, yes.  I thought you a fortune-telling gypsy for a second!

German Soldier 2: If you were not my closest friend, I would have your ear for such a comment! 

German Soldier 1: Merely a joke, friend. World War I?  Ha!  As if anyone knows the future! Besides, this is the war to end all wars.  The Great War! 

German Soldier 2: The Greatest of Wars, so far!

German Soldier 1: Agr...Again, 'so far'?  Have you some plan, my friend? 

German Soldier 2: A plan?  Ha!  What use is planning in uncertain times? If I live through World War I, I will most likely return to my passion: pai...

German Soldier 1: There!  You did it again!  You called it...

A Lieutenant approaches the soldiers' position.  

Lieutenant: Private Hitler, grab your weapon and report to command.  

German Soldier 2:  Well, it appears as if I'm needed.  

German Soldier 1:  Godspeed, friend.  Do Germany proud!

German Soldier 2:  My friend, I would never do anything to shame the Fatherland!  To arms!

I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.