Ethan: How about that British Open? Man, pretty golfy, right?

Amir: There's a British Open now, too? Man, the PGA is going to be screwed when Tiger finally retires in 2035.

Ethan: Probably a bad sign for golf that the most compelling non-Tiger figure out there was what was left of Greg Norman. Still, give Harrington credit for winning his second straight Claret Jug.

Amir: I have no idea what any of that means.

Ethan I think it means that people would rather see Tiger Woods play Golden Tee then watch anybody else play real golf. What do you think would get better ratings?

Amir: I'd rather watch Tiger play one of those bar games where you try to shoot the deer with the plastic gun. He would stalk that buck with such quiet intensity.

Ethan: Does Jason Taylor put the Redskins on top of the NFC East?

Amir: No. It doesn't even put their defense on the top of the NFC East. Cowboys secondary is great, Eagles added Asante Samuel and the Redskins trade some picks to get Jason Taylor who publicly stated that this is his last year in the NFL. This is what they get for having one of Clinton Portis' characters in charge of player personnel.

Ethan: Are you kidding me? Kid Bro Sweets is like Drew Rosenhaus himself, except he likes Reese's Pieces more. The Redskins' D wasn't all that bad last year, but their offense was pretty stagnant. Maybe Jim Zorn can fix it, but I'm also sure he's already in last place on my list of NFL coaches. (I go alphabetically, not based on ability.)

Amir: Is it that time of year for us to rank every offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator in the NFL?!

Alfred Fielding stands proudly in front of a crowd. On a table next to him rests his latest invention, hidden by a sheet. The crowd talks excitedly amongst themselves, each predicting what the invention will be. The year is 1957.

Larry: I bet it's some sort of wireless phone. One that fits in your pocket.

Ralph: No way, that's impossible. I think its a computer you can fold in half.

Mortimer: What! You guys are both crazy. I think it's a half dog half dragon.

Ralph and Larry: Definitely.

Alfred: Friends! Thank you for coming to my big reveal. I have been working on this particular invention my entire life, and I predict that it will revolutionize the world.

Mortimer: It's totally a half dog half dragon.

Alfred: Some of you may be wondering if my invention is a dog/dragon hybrid.

Mortimer: See?

Alfred: It's not.

Mortimer: Maybe he's playing coy.

Alfred: I'm not playing coy, there is no half dog half dragon on this stage.

Mortimer: Damn.

Alfred: Without further ado, are you ready? Are you ready to see my invention?

The crowd cheers wildly.

*knock knock knock*
Brain: Hold on...hold on.  I'm coming, sheesh.  
*Brain opens door*
Body: Hey man...h-hey.  
Brain: Jesus, Body.  What time is it?
Body: It's nine at night, man.  
Brain: This is when I rest, Body, you know that.  What gives?
Body: I just, I just need a little bit of endorphin, man.  J-just a little bit.  
Brain: Ok ok, take it easy. What is he doing right now?
Body: Watching TV, man.  Come on, I just need a little.  
Brain: Listen, I'm not just gonna give you any endorphins without any stimuli. What is he watching?
Body:  60 Minutes.
*Brain goes to close the door* !slice
Body: Ok ok, let's make a deal, man, ok?  Let's make a deal. OK, h-here's the deal.  You give me some endorphins now, and then I promise he'll go to the gym or something once he feels starts feelin it. Cool?
Brain: That's not how it works, Body.  You know that.  
Body: I know, b-but what do you want me to do?!  He just SITS there, watching 60 Minutes. I need those endorphins, man!  
Brain:  What about sex?  I can kick out some endorphins for that.
Body: Chicken and the egg, man.  
Brain: Well look, I don't give this stuff out for free.  Get his act together and come back later.
Body:  L-let's talk about this, man.  Let's talk about what I can do for you.  How about I walk to the library tomorrow, would you like that, man?
Brain:  Goodnight, Body.
Body: Listen, I- I didn't want to do to this...
Brain: Hey...HEY, what are you doing?
*breaks finger*
Brain: You f*cking psycho!  
Body:  GIVE ME THOSE ENDORPHINS!
Brain:  Alright fine, HERE!  Take your beloved endorphins, Jesus.  
Body: Ohhh, yeaaaah.  N-nice, man, nice.  Life is looking better already.
Brain: You know they don't last forever, right?
Body: Just, shh, man.  Let him enjoy this. 60 Minutes just got twice as exciting.
Brain:  Now go to the gym, Body.
Body:  Why would I go to the gym when I already have endorphins?
*Body sprints away as Brain sadly watches him go*
Brain:  Dammit, my finger.  I guess a few little endorphins can't hurt, right?

Luigi: Sick party, bro.

Mario: Hell yeah. Good tunes, good people...I'm just stoked none of Bowser's crew showed up.

Luigi: About that...Now don't freak, but Koopa Troopa and a few of his boys just walked in.

Mario: What!? I'm about to WILE OUT.

Luigi: Chill dude, chill.

Mario: If that weak ass turtle comes near me, I am going to do the WORST thing I can possibly do to him.

Luigi: What's that?

Mario: Jump on him.

Luigi: Whoa, whoa. Just be cool. One of his boys is comin' over to us right now...

*Mario flexes at a ghost that is approaching them. The ghost covers its eyes and stops.*

Drawing by Mr. Caldwell Tanner

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

 

RA: Hey Tom, how's it going!?!  If you're hungry I think me and some other people are heading downstairs to the caf to grab some dinner.

Dad: Jason, for the last time, don't call me "Tom," just stick to "Dad." And another thing, why are you always asking me if I want to go to dinner with you and these "other people" you talk about?  You know we always eat together as a family.

RA: Sounds great Tom! Well maybe after dinner we can all get together and paint some bricks and use them as door stops.

Dad: That's another thing Jason, why are you always asking your mother and me to partake in these activities?  I'm not interested in attending a tie-dying party; stop asking. 

Mom: Boys, dinner's ready!

RA: Oh hey Karen, how's it going!?! How'd that history final go?

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.